Epitome of self hatred

Thank you, world for making me realize that I’m the lowest of all life forms. I’m the female, Jewish version of Adolf Hitler. I’m a racist, a classist, an elitist, a monster, an overly competitive bitch, a superficial looksist, a manipulative brat, a person who uses her intelligence for the wrong reasons, a cheater, an opportunist, and a sadist. I’m a person who has failed to yield children because I’m an unfeeling person who would simply neglect her kids. I’m the kind of person who takes pride in her perfect shape because she knows she has nothing else to offer. I’m the girl who intimidates people into giving her points in tennis matches because she knows that tennis is the only thing she excels at. We’ve all got to be the top of something when we are losing at the game of life, right? I’m the girl who snickers at people who can’t master things that I can conquer because I know they at least have someone who loves them when I never have been loved. And there is a reason I’m unloved right? I’m a cocky, nasty person who befriends assholes and chauvinists alike. Because I’m the person who loves to steal men from the girls who taunted her in high school instead of doing the brave thing and confronting these girls. I’m that girl who thinks there is something wrong with a guy who doesn’t hit on her. I’m the girl who starts her own business because she believes she is always right and superior to others. I ‘m the girl who makes a scene because it’s the only way she knows how to cope. I’m the girl who no one invites to their weddings, their parties, or their teams, the girl who no one allows me to watch their kids or and no one dates because people hate to think they’d actually like someone like me when they are all really just like me they don’t admit it.

Judgments Sting

Judgments sting. All judgments are uncalled for and shouldn’t be the basis for correction or change. I’ve been stewing over the fact that a relative told me my life wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t have children. According to her, if a guy didn’t give me kids, then he wasn’t truly committed to me. I was hurt by the comment and discussed this with others to end with no solid resolution. Some people said just ignore her, while others said that she’s speaking from her own experiences and that having kids, for her, is a priority and her failure to produce offspring is a source of disappointment. Others say that in her area having kids is expected. Some people say she is trying to protect me. While I know that all of these statements are valid, they still do not change the fact that she was judgmental and I was hurt by it. A person close to me was judgmental and people don’t seem to realize how harsh the judgment was and how much it stung to hear a judgment from someone I considered a friend. And finally, today, I had an aha moment. I knew how I could explain the severity of the comment. Saying to a woman that her life is incomplete without kids is the equivalent of saying to a man that he isn’t a real man if he doesn’t have sex on a regular basis. The two statements are similar. It is a stereotype that women should want and have kids while it is also a stereotype that men should crave sex. And some women don’t want kids and some men have low libidos. And if you said to a man that he wasn’t a real man, if he didn’t have sex he wasn’t a real man it would sound absurd and harsh and it would understandably crush a man to be judged that way. I’ve encountered men who I felt didn’t want me in that way and I choose not to pursue them.

But let’s say someone did pursue that. Let’s say a woman dates a man and the man doesn’t initiate sex and they only have sex a few times a month. Then, the woman ends the relationship because her sexual needs aren’t being fulfilled. She isn’t being judgmental of his inability to desire sex; she’s protecting her own needs. If she tells him that’s why she ended it, she’s offering honest feedback. However, if she tells him that he’s less of man for not wanting sex, then she’s making a judgment. Now, we move to his response. If he decides that he finds a way to enjoy sex it means he’ll have happier relationships and then decides that he’s willing to work at it it’s different than if he enrolls with a sex therapist because of the woman’s snide, condescending comment, right?

Why is that its obvious in the man’s case that it was an unwarranted judgment yet in the case of the woman its not so obvious and people try to rationalize this woman’s statement? In fact, in some cases people would say don’t judge the man for not wanting sex, that makes him an even better catch if he’s like that. Then, you can have an even more meaningful relationship with him if it’s not so centered on sex.

Judgments are awful and make people uncomfortable. Judgments can destroy friendships and shatter trust forever. Judgments shouldn’t be confused with assessments, observations, evaluations, or penalties.

Partner Selection is everything in dating!

Partner selection is everything in dating. I used to send so much time wondering why other women were married and I wasn't or why guys I dated only seemed to want me for a one night stand. I think research is the key. Asking potential partners the right questions is the key to knowing if they are a match for you or not. So many people get anxious when they meet people on the internet who ask them personal questions and start to wonder if the person is a freak or a stalker when the person simply wants to figure out if they are interested in pursuing anything long term. I will answer any questions a man has for me and I will ask questions to decode who they are. I would even go as far as to say that it is helpful to ask questions about sexual preferences if asked in the right context.

Fanx: Facebook Anxiety

My friend waited until she was 7 months pregnant until she made a Facebook wide announcement with gorgeous photos included. 7 month seems very late in the game to announce your pregnancy but then I thought about it and realized that it isn’t. She had told me prior to the announcement that she was pregnant and I’m sure she told plenty of people about her pregnancy before announcing it on Facebook. But for Facebook it was probably best to wait. With so many of our Facebook friends, we have very little interaction with whatsoever -except for that once a year happy birthday wish. So, she has no way of knowing which of her Facebook friends may be trying to have a baby and can’t. Or want desperately to have a child but haven’t met the right guy. So because of these reasons, why flood Facebook with photos and pregnancy announcements from the day you get a positive pregnancy test ( some people do that for various reasons and I’m not scolding them).

After this reflective exercise, I got to thinking that that a phenomenon called Facebook anxiety or fanx exists and is very real. We have the tendency to log onto Facebook and curiously look at all of our friends’ posts and pictures. Then, we start to compare ourselves to the people we went to high school or college with. Hmm, we start to ponder, why is it that so and so is already married and they are fatter, uglier, stupider- or whatever other dimension we compare ourselves to others with- than me? We then start to think, “is there something wrong with me because I’m not married with kids and all of these other people are?” We may go as far as to say, “do I have a personality defect?”

I’m not going to lie, I’ve fallen victim to fanx (I love that name, go me). It was hard to see that one of my former campers got married and had a kid before me. And every day, one former classmate after another posts a pregnancy announcement or a photo of their kids and I notice that anything kid-related tends to get way more likes than say a post about publishing a book or a post about a promotion at work or simply a profound or humorous post. And this breeds some resentment especially when your aunt .whom you were close with. always likes your sister’s posts about her kids but never likes any of your posts. Even the ones about you publishing a book or reaching a milestone in your business. Although, I do realize that I have plenty of fans who do like my posts and even comment on them and sometimes the support I receive comes form unexpected places.

My case of fanx escalated and I had to take a step back and peel back the layers and think beyond the resentment that I harbored towards others. I had to look within myself and think what exactly are my goals in life? Did I want to get married? Did I want to have kids? What kinds of careers goals did I have for myself? And after discovering what my goals were, than I had to think how can I reach these goals and is there anything I could do differently to attain these goals faster? It’s lucky that I was able to remove myself from the fanx craze and make some realistic adjustments to my life.

However, I wonder if as Facebook users there are things we could do differently to improve the fanx epidemic. One thing to remember is that Facebook isn’t representative of life. Just because people post tons of photos of their kids, it doesn’t mean that life with kids is heavenly. A friend of mine actually admitted that she had to bribe her kids to get them to smile for the photos. Other people I know post photos of themselves and their spouses going on dates and yet they aren’t completely happy in their marriage. Plenty of people post about the successes of their business,which would lead you to believe that their business is booming when in reality they are struggling to meet their expenses. One woman constantly posts about all of the houses she has sold yet she was praying for a tax refund to alleviate a downtime her business was experiencing. So, Facebook posts don’t always represent what you think they represent. And sometimes, people even feel a need to save a face and project an image they feel will be helpful to their relationship with others. Or they feel that putting a positive spin on their life on Facebook will actually help them feel better about their life. So- the lesson learned here, is don’t use Facebook as a barometer for how your life should be.

After reflecting this, I began to notice more and more posts where people were feeling similar frustrations of failure with their life that I was experiencing. One girl posted that she didn’t understand why people felt a family wouldn’t be complete without a boy and a girl child. Another person admitted that she was experiencing sadness when she found some high school memorabilia. Another friend constantly posts about how expensive ny city is and how many hours you have to work just to afford a small apartment in a less than desirable area. One friend, whom I thought was fit, confessed to me that she was overweight. I think after realizing that Facebook isn’t reflective of actual lives, I began to enjoy everyone’s posts more. One thing we Facebook users can do to remedy the Facebook anxiety issue is to diversify your posts. Don’t’ always post about your career, your beautiful house, your wonderful children or your adorable spouse. Instead post on a variety of subjects. Also including a little story about your pictures is always nice. Like my friend wrote I love when my daughter has half days. Or another friend wrote how she got to spend time with her kids while watching her husband’s lacrosse game. Also, try to like many different kinds of posts. I’m not saying blindly like every post you see but like posts that are about a variety of topics and by a variety of friends so that everyone feels honored.

Dating: be picky about loving yourself

What being picky is not

If you are single, you have probably heard the old adage, " don't be too picky". Well I'm here to tell you how the message about not being picky can be misinterpreted and harmful if taken the wrong way. My grandmother is a very critical woman. She tends to rip everyone apart. Instead of being appalled by her extreme critique. I was able to gain from her, qualities that I should look for in partners and friends. Some qualities are being fit, well educated, friendly, politically savvy and having a sense of humor. I've ford a few guys who almost meet all of the criteria but then ...of course she'll discover that they either aren't Jewish or are a Republican and she'll go ape shod. So, believe me, I understand that it isn't possible to find a mate who meets every item on your checklist and when looking for a mate you have to prioritize the traits that you find most important. But there are times when we can take the notion of “not being picky” too far. Here are some things that not being picky shouldn't mean to you.

Not being picky shouldn’t mean pursuing someone just because they are ugly, Um ok, who said that just because some is repulsive looking they are going to be a good friend and lover to you. They might be bitter that they haven't had a mate in years or they might be very jealous. So while I don't advocate only going after Adonis is like men I also don't advocate going for someone just because you think they are a sure thing due to lack of good looks. Also, don't assume that because someone is attractive to you they are out of your reach and you shouldn't go for them because you are "not being picky". As a rule of thumb you shouldn't have to get drunk to be able to have sex with your partner.

Not being picky shouldn't mean just accepting someone solely because they desire you, I know there are times when you feel lonely and feel as though no one will ever like you or you feel that you just want company but seeing someone just because they like you is not productive. Think about if there are any other qualities you like about the person besides the fact that they crave you. Run for the hills if you can’t find any other qualities you like about the person. I was at a point here I had hit rock bottom. I wasn't doing well in my career; I was suffering from the side effects of being mis prescribed on anti anxiety depressant and a mood stabilizer. I had gained 10 pounds and felt un sexy. And in the midst of all this, there was a guy who asked me on a date. I was so desperate for companionship and sympathy that I accepted his offer. And it went from bad to worse. The guy invited me to his apartment, which should have been a warning sign. Then we went to the rooftop and he didn't even have dinner peppered he only had wine and stale croutons. Then we listened to music and had laborious conversation, which was partly because my brain was dulled by the meds. Then he suggested we take the date downstairs and went into his bedroom. Obviously, you know what happened next, one thing led to another and before I knew it we were having sex. I requested that he use a condom and he bitched about it. Then he said, “ Do you really think I want kids”, which made me feel like shit. We had sex and it was awkward. I barely could move, I was so dulled and I just lay there while he uttered "what a cutie". Then after he finished we debated whether or not I would leave and exchanged awkward pleasantries. And I left feeling like garbage. I felt like I was solely a physical object. Looking back on it if I had a strong desire for companionship or company, I should have called a good friend and invited myself over. Then, a few weeks later, I came out of my fog and helped a friend pack up her house. It was wonderful. Exhilarating. I left full of life, relieved, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. Now I realize that seeking out a physical, enjoyable activity with a friend would have been a much better cure for my depressed state than having sex with a strange guy especially since I wasn't at a point where I wanted to be intimate. I didn't realize that it was my right to seek out happiness because I loathed myself.

Don’t just accept someone because you are desperate. Realize it's your right to heal yourself.

Love and kids

As a women in her thirties, I always get asked the proverbial question, "when are you going to have kids?" In addition, I feel bombarded by baby pictures and more baby pictures on Facebook. Everyday, someone seems to be making a pregnancy announcement. I've thought about making my own fake announcement or using a friend's daughter as my fake kid. After the kids are born there is only one conversation topic: kids. It's a good thing I work with kids or I wouldn't have anything to contribute at some gatherings. Sometimes, I try to talk about something else at the dinner table and the conversation inevitably shifts to children. You start to feel as though you don't matter if you don't have kids. Say you have a big accomplishment that you want to announce to Facebook or IRL: publishing a book, meeting someone you like, winning a big tennis match, or anything else you may consider important or noteworthy. It seems like stories like that don't get anywhere near as much attention as baby or kid stories or pictures. Sometimes, I talk to family friends and instead of asking me about my life, they ask me about my sister's kids Umm- I don't know- why don't you ask her if you are that curious about their well being. And believe me, I'm happy for my friends with kids and my sister. I enjoy hearing about their kids. I work with kids so I obviously like kids. But I want the childless women of the world to have a voice and not feel like such a pariah for not having kids. It's every woman's personal decision whether or not to have kids and nobody has the right to tell them whether or not they should have kids. I'm a little young for people to be telling me the classic lines of "You can always adopt. Have you considered freezing your eggs? Maybe you should consider asking a male friend of yours to be a sperm donor or even produce a baby with him the natural way ( I prefer option 2)." But I'm sure if I don't have kids in 5-10 years I will be hearing those sentiments echoed. And its not right to say that to people, ever. Unless they specifically ask you about ways to have kids when you are over 40 it is never ok to give them unsolicited advice. Would you want unsolicited advice on sensitive topics like say your mortgage, other debts, your child not being able to potty train?

Here's something I have been told that I find puzzling and hurtful. I was told that if a guy won't give me a kid, it's a sign of his lack of love and affection for me and indicates a lack of desire to commit to me. Excuse me? What did you say? First of all, give me a baby? Wouldn't the kid be his also? It's not as if he is passing it on to me and then moving on to to deliver a baby to the next woman he procreates with. Also, some people just don't want kids. Maybe it's not for them. Or maybe they already have kids and can't juggle more ( after all in NYC, where I live, raising kids is expensive). And if they are open and honest about his desire to have kids, isn't that a better indicator of his love and affection for someone than acquiescing to a woman's desire to have a kid when he doesn't want one? In fact, he would be doing a disservice to a woman if he either lied to the woman about his desire to have kids or produced a child with a woman and then couldn't be the ultimate father because his heart wasn't in it. So, I think I have proved my point. I should have done law, making this argument was riveting.

Another sentiment, I have heard is, "having a child is the most adult thing you can do". Umm, ok. Aren't there many more "adult' things we can do. Let's say fight for your country, handle losing a loved one, help an infirm parent cope, deal with financial straits. The list just goes on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not degrading having kids. I don't think that having kids is easy and I truly believe having kids requires fortitude. But I felt patronized and devalued when the person told me this.

Ok, now I'm done. Wow, writing IS a good form of therapy.

Photography Group and what it has taught me about women

I'm a member of a photography group. It's very casual and accepting. You simply post a photo every day. You can also ask for feedback on your photos or ask for photography tips. Photography is a hobby for me and I joined the group because I wanted to improve my photography skills. When I first joined the group, I had little expectations about cultivating any kind of friendships with the women in the group ( besides the woman who had invited me into the group). I don't like women as a group. I know it sounds biased but its true. I view or rather viewed women as either competition to earn the affection of men or as adversaries. I associated women with the mean girls in high school who always ridiculed me. Then I saw that most of the pictures posted were mostly of the women's children and I thought oh boy, here's a group of women that will look down on me for not having kids. I even posted a few pictures of a friend's daughter who resembles me so that I wouldn't get ousted from the group. As the group progressed, my feelings about the group changed. I realized that the women in the group were supportive. They always offered positive comments and were more than willing to offer feedback and assistance with photography questions. From this group, I came to realize that dynamics between women can be positive. They don't need to be competitive. I came to realize that photography is about being genuine, it's about providing honest documentation of your life and putting yourself out there. I realized that a leader, like this group's leader, can engineer things so that women band together rather than work to beat each other out.