Dear Elyse,
My boyfriend has always been controlling but tolerable. Recently he demanded that I get fatter and not see my friends. I do not want to obey him but I don't want him to hurt me either. Your thoughts please!
Yours,
Being Held Captive
Dear Being Held Captive,
Am I mistaken or do we live in America? In some countries in the Middle East men may have the purview to control your body and your actions but in America that concept doesn't apply. I'm wondering what sort of restrictions did you find tolerable? I believe your boyfriend is so insecure he cannot stomach you spending any time with someone besides him. He wants you to be fatter so that other men won't fancy you ( even though we know that some men prefer heavier women) and he also doesn't want you spending time with friends because he fears that your friends will try to "steal" you away from him. While it may seem flattering that someone wants to spend so much time with you and be your boyfriend, I urge you to run for the hills. If you acquiesce to his request to plump up and end contact with your friends who knows what else he will ask you to do. Maybe quit your job? Maybe cut off contact with your family? If you let him know that he can control you, the level of control he asserts over you will magnify. I suggest that you tell him that you like your body the way it is now and you enjoy spending time with your friends, if you aren't able to enjoy these pleasures you won't be able to give to him the amount of care he deserves. Tell him you need to be your true self in order to be with him. If he is unable to comprehend this concept, then I suggest ending the relationship. You WILL find someone who will respect and let you live your true life.
Yours,
Elyse
My column
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Receiver of friend's rejects
Dear Elyse,
My retched friend has the habit of passing her rejected leftovers to me. And no, I don't mean last night's pizza or baked ziti, I'm referring to guys that she'd like to toss out like an old sock. The guys she doesn't deem worthy of her time. Who does she think she is? What can I do to stop her? She acts like I should be grateful not annoyed about her gestures?
Yours,
Receiver of Rejects
Dear Receiver of Rejects,
Retched, indeed. Your friend has committed an act so vile, I'm not sure there is a punishment fit for her crime. By passing on her rejects to you, she is insulting you. She is conveying the message that she doesn't see you as her equal.Perhaps she is even afraid that you will out shine her and find a better mate then she does? Oh and then her poor ego will suffer. Who wants a friend like that? You definitely need to make your friend aware of the impact of her actions. I"m sure your friend loves going places to meet guys. From now on, only agree to go places with your friend that don't involve potential boyfriends. Go the most unsexy places that exist. How about bingo night? The fire department pancake breakfast? Yoga classes? Ballet classes? Knitting clubs? Need I say more. Eventually your friend may catch on and feel tortured. When she begs you to go on more testerone-filled excursions, explain to her that you will only go if she doesn't pass on her rejects to you. When she protests, stick to your guns and explain how it makes you feel when she does that. Then give her a chance to go on a sexy outing. If she repeats the same behavior return to the Betty Crocker like outings.
Yours,
Elyse
My retched friend has the habit of passing her rejected leftovers to me. And no, I don't mean last night's pizza or baked ziti, I'm referring to guys that she'd like to toss out like an old sock. The guys she doesn't deem worthy of her time. Who does she think she is? What can I do to stop her? She acts like I should be grateful not annoyed about her gestures?
Yours,
Receiver of Rejects
Dear Receiver of Rejects,
Retched, indeed. Your friend has committed an act so vile, I'm not sure there is a punishment fit for her crime. By passing on her rejects to you, she is insulting you. She is conveying the message that she doesn't see you as her equal.Perhaps she is even afraid that you will out shine her and find a better mate then she does? Oh and then her poor ego will suffer. Who wants a friend like that? You definitely need to make your friend aware of the impact of her actions. I"m sure your friend loves going places to meet guys. From now on, only agree to go places with your friend that don't involve potential boyfriends. Go the most unsexy places that exist. How about bingo night? The fire department pancake breakfast? Yoga classes? Ballet classes? Knitting clubs? Need I say more. Eventually your friend may catch on and feel tortured. When she begs you to go on more testerone-filled excursions, explain to her that you will only go if she doesn't pass on her rejects to you. When she protests, stick to your guns and explain how it makes you feel when she does that. Then give her a chance to go on a sexy outing. If she repeats the same behavior return to the Betty Crocker like outings.
Yours,
Elyse
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Ghosts of relationships past
Dear Elyse,
I went on a date with a guy. I'm in a vulnerable situation as I've gotten out of a painful, long-term relationship. The date started to heat up and then I realized that I felt absolutely nothing. I went along with it half heartedly and found that I was finally able to be turned on when I started to think of my ex and a former crush. I made ups lame excuse to get out of it. Now, I'm afraid to date again. What do I do when this happens again?
Yours,
Haunted by ghosts of dating past
Dear Haunted by ghosts of dating past,
You sound like you are uber- stressed out about this occurrence. As long as you didn't yell out your ex's name during the episode, I don't think you have done anything patently heinous. It is very normal to have a grieving period after a relationship comes to an end. If you still harbor some feelings for you ex, it is normal to think of your ex during carnal relations . And who doesn't- you did once love him, right? I suggest that anytime you find yourself in this predicament, you imagine the most appalling qualities of your ex and any images of him will quickly disappear. However, I also caution you to wait to date. As unthinkable as this sounds, there are other activities on earth besides dating like joining clubs , playing sports, and growing existing platonic friendships. As long as you don't spend all of your free time in a sugar-induced coma watching television, you will grow and gradually become more ready. When you intuition tells you that you are ready go for it. And remember if after one date you still find yourself in the same situation, just remember, its ok at any time to end the date, just tell the suitor you need to slow things down. That's it. Finale!
Yours,
Elyse
I went on a date with a guy. I'm in a vulnerable situation as I've gotten out of a painful, long-term relationship. The date started to heat up and then I realized that I felt absolutely nothing. I went along with it half heartedly and found that I was finally able to be turned on when I started to think of my ex and a former crush. I made ups lame excuse to get out of it. Now, I'm afraid to date again. What do I do when this happens again?
Yours,
Haunted by ghosts of dating past
Dear Haunted by ghosts of dating past,
You sound like you are uber- stressed out about this occurrence. As long as you didn't yell out your ex's name during the episode, I don't think you have done anything patently heinous. It is very normal to have a grieving period after a relationship comes to an end. If you still harbor some feelings for you ex, it is normal to think of your ex during carnal relations . And who doesn't- you did once love him, right? I suggest that anytime you find yourself in this predicament, you imagine the most appalling qualities of your ex and any images of him will quickly disappear. However, I also caution you to wait to date. As unthinkable as this sounds, there are other activities on earth besides dating like joining clubs , playing sports, and growing existing platonic friendships. As long as you don't spend all of your free time in a sugar-induced coma watching television, you will grow and gradually become more ready. When you intuition tells you that you are ready go for it. And remember if after one date you still find yourself in the same situation, just remember, its ok at any time to end the date, just tell the suitor you need to slow things down. That's it. Finale!
Yours,
Elyse
Friday, December 21, 2012
Triad
Dear Elyse,
I'm a member of a triad. In other words, my boyfriend is dating me and anther woman. We all live together and do many activities jointly. He alternates who he sleeps with each night. The three of us are going to my family for the holidays and I'm wondering how I should explain our relationship to them.
Yours,
Triad member
Dear Triad Member,
Your arrangement is a unique format that is constantly being altered and explored. Props to you for being adventurous. How about telling your relatives that you are part of a social experiment sponsored by a University Research Group and trying something new and then tell them the details of your configuration as you know them? Or better yet, simply tell them that you are in a unique situation and while it may seem incomprehensible to them it keeps you satisfied. Explain them to why it works for you. Explain to them that you are not asking for their approval just their acknowledgement. Also if they have questions, let them know that you are happy to entertain the questions as long as they are asked in a non hostile manner. Be prepared with websites that offer information about this, if you feel it gets hostile or you feel that you are at a loss for how to answer them. Good luck! Remember there are plenty of movies playing on Christmas Day if the discussion gets too heated for your taste. And keep being a pioneer.
Yours,
Elyse
I'm a member of a triad. In other words, my boyfriend is dating me and anther woman. We all live together and do many activities jointly. He alternates who he sleeps with each night. The three of us are going to my family for the holidays and I'm wondering how I should explain our relationship to them.
Yours,
Triad member
Dear Triad Member,
Your arrangement is a unique format that is constantly being altered and explored. Props to you for being adventurous. How about telling your relatives that you are part of a social experiment sponsored by a University Research Group and trying something new and then tell them the details of your configuration as you know them? Or better yet, simply tell them that you are in a unique situation and while it may seem incomprehensible to them it keeps you satisfied. Explain them to why it works for you. Explain to them that you are not asking for their approval just their acknowledgement. Also if they have questions, let them know that you are happy to entertain the questions as long as they are asked in a non hostile manner. Be prepared with websites that offer information about this, if you feel it gets hostile or you feel that you are at a loss for how to answer them. Good luck! Remember there are plenty of movies playing on Christmas Day if the discussion gets too heated for your taste. And keep being a pioneer.
Yours,
Elyse
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Standing ovation
Dear Elyse,
My boyfriend is an aspiring actor. I have seen him perform and he is absolutely deplorable. In fact, I almost want to leave and hide in the bathroom he is so darn awful. He always asks me, "How did I do?" Should I be honest. Yours,
The Inevitable Thumbs Down
Dear The Inevitable Thumbs Down,
I guess you should either make friends with the toilet paper or tell him how bad he is and then book an express flight out of the country and join the witness protection program. Or how about a more feasible solution? Actors are a very sensitive breed. For most of their career, they will endure rejection.Some are better at handling it than others. You are not a casting director, an agent, a director, or an acting teacher. Therefore, it is not your duty to criticize your boyfriend's acting skills. In addition, while you may have your own preferences, you are not trained in judging actors. Therefore, I suggest not sharing your assessment with your boyfriend. If he lacks talent, there are plenty of people present who will tell him. Instead, find one small aspect of your boyfriend's acting that was semi- passable and tell him that you liked that. Or tell him a general quality about the show that you enjoyed. Be encouraging but genuine. If the underlying issue is that you don't respect your boyfriend, delve deeper. See if there other qualities about your boyfriend that you admire. If not .....
Yours,
Elyse
My boyfriend is an aspiring actor. I have seen him perform and he is absolutely deplorable. In fact, I almost want to leave and hide in the bathroom he is so darn awful. He always asks me, "How did I do?" Should I be honest. Yours,
The Inevitable Thumbs Down
Dear The Inevitable Thumbs Down,
I guess you should either make friends with the toilet paper or tell him how bad he is and then book an express flight out of the country and join the witness protection program. Or how about a more feasible solution? Actors are a very sensitive breed. For most of their career, they will endure rejection.Some are better at handling it than others. You are not a casting director, an agent, a director, or an acting teacher. Therefore, it is not your duty to criticize your boyfriend's acting skills. In addition, while you may have your own preferences, you are not trained in judging actors. Therefore, I suggest not sharing your assessment with your boyfriend. If he lacks talent, there are plenty of people present who will tell him. Instead, find one small aspect of your boyfriend's acting that was semi- passable and tell him that you liked that. Or tell him a general quality about the show that you enjoyed. Be encouraging but genuine. If the underlying issue is that you don't respect your boyfriend, delve deeper. See if there other qualities about your boyfriend that you admire. If not .....
Yours,
Elyse
Ask the guys
As promised, I am posting the Ask Guys findings. The question I asked for Ask The Guys was something that I'm sure burns in all you single gals minds. What makes a girl someone who is beyond a hookup girl and an actual girlfriend. Here are some surprising answers. (1) Manners. Be polite and courteous if you want to make it past the first month. (2) Stability (3) Not wearing a skirt or extremely revealing clothing. (4) Don't sleep with the guy until after two weeks. (5) The girl who you can take home to mom. Well- I guess it take more than just having a hot barbie doll body and an endearing personality to build a long term relationship.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Communication
Dear Elyse,
My girlfriend never seems to want to have sex with me. Yet, the other night I found her pleasuring herself. Clearly she has some sexual desire. But not a desire for me? What am I doing wrong?
Yours,
Sexless
Dear Sexless,
May I suggest something totally radical: ask her what she wants. Perhaps she never wants to have sex with you because what you offer her doesn't satisfy her. Now, I'm not suggesting that you don't get what you want- I'm not a sadist or anything. But perhaps for now sex needs to be a two act play. Act one : her. Act two: you. Eventually you may be able to merge the two acts into one but for now stick with two acts.
Yours,
Elyse
My girlfriend never seems to want to have sex with me. Yet, the other night I found her pleasuring herself. Clearly she has some sexual desire. But not a desire for me? What am I doing wrong?
Yours,
Sexless
Dear Sexless,
May I suggest something totally radical: ask her what she wants. Perhaps she never wants to have sex with you because what you offer her doesn't satisfy her. Now, I'm not suggesting that you don't get what you want- I'm not a sadist or anything. But perhaps for now sex needs to be a two act play. Act one : her. Act two: you. Eventually you may be able to merge the two acts into one but for now stick with two acts.
Yours,
Elyse
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