Partner selection is everything in dating. I used to send so much time wondering why other women were married and I wasn't or why guys I dated only seemed to want me for a one night stand. I think research is the key. Asking potential partners the right questions is the key to knowing if they are a match for you or not. So many people get anxious when they meet people on the internet who ask them personal questions and start to wonder if the person is a freak or a stalker when the person simply wants to figure out if they are interested in pursuing anything long term. I will answer any questions a man has for me and I will ask questions to decode who they are. I would even go as far as to say that it is helpful to ask questions about sexual preferences if asked in the right context.
My column
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Fanx: Facebook Anxiety
My friend waited until she was 7 months pregnant until she made a Facebook wide announcement with gorgeous photos included. 7 month seems very late in the game to announce your pregnancy but then I thought about it and realized that it isn’t. She had told me prior to the announcement that she was pregnant and I’m sure she told plenty of people about her pregnancy before announcing it on Facebook. But for Facebook it was probably best to wait. With so many of our Facebook friends, we have very little interaction with whatsoever -except for that once a year happy birthday wish. So, she has no way of knowing which of her Facebook friends may be trying to have a baby and can’t. Or want desperately to have a child but haven’t met the right guy. So because of these reasons, why flood Facebook with photos and pregnancy announcements from the day you get a positive pregnancy test ( some people do that for various reasons and I’m not scolding them).
After this reflective exercise, I got to thinking that that a phenomenon called Facebook anxiety or fanx exists and is very real. We have the tendency to log onto Facebook and curiously look at all of our friends’ posts and pictures. Then, we start to compare ourselves to the people we went to high school or college with. Hmm, we start to ponder, why is it that so and so is already married and they are fatter, uglier, stupider- or whatever other dimension we compare ourselves to others with- than me? We then start to think, “is there something wrong with me because I’m not married with kids and all of these other people are?” We may go as far as to say, “do I have a personality defect?”
I’m not going to lie, I’ve fallen victim to fanx (I love that name, go me). It was hard to see that one of my former campers got married and had a kid before me. And every day, one former classmate after another posts a pregnancy announcement or a photo of their kids and I notice that anything kid-related tends to get way more likes than say a post about publishing a book or a post about a promotion at work or simply a profound or humorous post. And this breeds some resentment especially when your aunt .whom you were close with. always likes your sister’s posts about her kids but never likes any of your posts. Even the ones about you publishing a book or reaching a milestone in your business. Although, I do realize that I have plenty of fans who do like my posts and even comment on them and sometimes the support I receive comes form unexpected places.
My case of fanx escalated and I had to take a step back and peel back the layers and think beyond the resentment that I harbored towards others. I had to look within myself and think what exactly are my goals in life? Did I want to get married? Did I want to have kids? What kinds of careers goals did I have for myself? And after discovering what my goals were, than I had to think how can I reach these goals and is there anything I could do differently to attain these goals faster? It’s lucky that I was able to remove myself from the fanx craze and make some realistic adjustments to my life.
However, I wonder if as Facebook users there are things we could do differently to improve the fanx epidemic. One thing to remember is that Facebook isn’t representative of life. Just because people post tons of photos of their kids, it doesn’t mean that life with kids is heavenly. A friend of mine actually admitted that she had to bribe her kids to get them to smile for the photos. Other people I know post photos of themselves and their spouses going on dates and yet they aren’t completely happy in their marriage. Plenty of people post about the successes of their business,which would lead you to believe that their business is booming when in reality they are struggling to meet their expenses. One woman constantly posts about all of the houses she has sold yet she was praying for a tax refund to alleviate a downtime her business was experiencing. So, Facebook posts don’t always represent what you think they represent. And sometimes, people even feel a need to save a face and project an image they feel will be helpful to their relationship with others. Or they feel that putting a positive spin on their life on Facebook will actually help them feel better about their life. So- the lesson learned here, is don’t use Facebook as a barometer for how your life should be.
After reflecting this, I began to notice more and more posts where people were feeling similar frustrations of failure with their life that I was experiencing. One girl posted that she didn’t understand why people felt a family wouldn’t be complete without a boy and a girl child. Another person admitted that she was experiencing sadness when she found some high school memorabilia. Another friend constantly posts about how expensive ny city is and how many hours you have to work just to afford a small apartment in a less than desirable area. One friend, whom I thought was fit, confessed to me that she was overweight. I think after realizing that Facebook isn’t reflective of actual lives, I began to enjoy everyone’s posts more. One thing we Facebook users can do to remedy the Facebook anxiety issue is to diversify your posts. Don’t’ always post about your career, your beautiful house, your wonderful children or your adorable spouse. Instead post on a variety of subjects. Also including a little story about your pictures is always nice. Like my friend wrote I love when my daughter has half days. Or another friend wrote how she got to spend time with her kids while watching her husband’s lacrosse game. Also, try to like many different kinds of posts. I’m not saying blindly like every post you see but like posts that are about a variety of topics and by a variety of friends so that everyone feels honored.
After this reflective exercise, I got to thinking that that a phenomenon called Facebook anxiety or fanx exists and is very real. We have the tendency to log onto Facebook and curiously look at all of our friends’ posts and pictures. Then, we start to compare ourselves to the people we went to high school or college with. Hmm, we start to ponder, why is it that so and so is already married and they are fatter, uglier, stupider- or whatever other dimension we compare ourselves to others with- than me? We then start to think, “is there something wrong with me because I’m not married with kids and all of these other people are?” We may go as far as to say, “do I have a personality defect?”
I’m not going to lie, I’ve fallen victim to fanx (I love that name, go me). It was hard to see that one of my former campers got married and had a kid before me. And every day, one former classmate after another posts a pregnancy announcement or a photo of their kids and I notice that anything kid-related tends to get way more likes than say a post about publishing a book or a post about a promotion at work or simply a profound or humorous post. And this breeds some resentment especially when your aunt .whom you were close with. always likes your sister’s posts about her kids but never likes any of your posts. Even the ones about you publishing a book or reaching a milestone in your business. Although, I do realize that I have plenty of fans who do like my posts and even comment on them and sometimes the support I receive comes form unexpected places.
My case of fanx escalated and I had to take a step back and peel back the layers and think beyond the resentment that I harbored towards others. I had to look within myself and think what exactly are my goals in life? Did I want to get married? Did I want to have kids? What kinds of careers goals did I have for myself? And after discovering what my goals were, than I had to think how can I reach these goals and is there anything I could do differently to attain these goals faster? It’s lucky that I was able to remove myself from the fanx craze and make some realistic adjustments to my life.
However, I wonder if as Facebook users there are things we could do differently to improve the fanx epidemic. One thing to remember is that Facebook isn’t representative of life. Just because people post tons of photos of their kids, it doesn’t mean that life with kids is heavenly. A friend of mine actually admitted that she had to bribe her kids to get them to smile for the photos. Other people I know post photos of themselves and their spouses going on dates and yet they aren’t completely happy in their marriage. Plenty of people post about the successes of their business,which would lead you to believe that their business is booming when in reality they are struggling to meet their expenses. One woman constantly posts about all of the houses she has sold yet she was praying for a tax refund to alleviate a downtime her business was experiencing. So, Facebook posts don’t always represent what you think they represent. And sometimes, people even feel a need to save a face and project an image they feel will be helpful to their relationship with others. Or they feel that putting a positive spin on their life on Facebook will actually help them feel better about their life. So- the lesson learned here, is don’t use Facebook as a barometer for how your life should be.
After reflecting this, I began to notice more and more posts where people were feeling similar frustrations of failure with their life that I was experiencing. One girl posted that she didn’t understand why people felt a family wouldn’t be complete without a boy and a girl child. Another person admitted that she was experiencing sadness when she found some high school memorabilia. Another friend constantly posts about how expensive ny city is and how many hours you have to work just to afford a small apartment in a less than desirable area. One friend, whom I thought was fit, confessed to me that she was overweight. I think after realizing that Facebook isn’t reflective of actual lives, I began to enjoy everyone’s posts more. One thing we Facebook users can do to remedy the Facebook anxiety issue is to diversify your posts. Don’t’ always post about your career, your beautiful house, your wonderful children or your adorable spouse. Instead post on a variety of subjects. Also including a little story about your pictures is always nice. Like my friend wrote I love when my daughter has half days. Or another friend wrote how she got to spend time with her kids while watching her husband’s lacrosse game. Also, try to like many different kinds of posts. I’m not saying blindly like every post you see but like posts that are about a variety of topics and by a variety of friends so that everyone feels honored.
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