Judgments Sting

Judgments sting. All judgments are uncalled for and shouldn’t be the basis for correction or change. I’ve been stewing over the fact that a relative told me my life wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t have children. According to her, if a guy didn’t give me kids, then he wasn’t truly committed to me. I was hurt by the comment and discussed this with others to end with no solid resolution. Some people said just ignore her, while others said that she’s speaking from her own experiences and that having kids, for her, is a priority and her failure to produce offspring is a source of disappointment. Others say that in her area having kids is expected. Some people say she is trying to protect me. While I know that all of these statements are valid, they still do not change the fact that she was judgmental and I was hurt by it. A person close to me was judgmental and people don’t seem to realize how harsh the judgment was and how much it stung to hear a judgment from someone I considered a friend. And finally, today, I had an aha moment. I knew how I could explain the severity of the comment. Saying to a woman that her life is incomplete without kids is the equivalent of saying to a man that he isn’t a real man if he doesn’t have sex on a regular basis. The two statements are similar. It is a stereotype that women should want and have kids while it is also a stereotype that men should crave sex. And some women don’t want kids and some men have low libidos. And if you said to a man that he wasn’t a real man, if he didn’t have sex he wasn’t a real man it would sound absurd and harsh and it would understandably crush a man to be judged that way. I’ve encountered men who I felt didn’t want me in that way and I choose not to pursue them.

But let’s say someone did pursue that. Let’s say a woman dates a man and the man doesn’t initiate sex and they only have sex a few times a month. Then, the woman ends the relationship because her sexual needs aren’t being fulfilled. She isn’t being judgmental of his inability to desire sex; she’s protecting her own needs. If she tells him that’s why she ended it, she’s offering honest feedback. However, if she tells him that he’s less of man for not wanting sex, then she’s making a judgment. Now, we move to his response. If he decides that he finds a way to enjoy sex it means he’ll have happier relationships and then decides that he’s willing to work at it it’s different than if he enrolls with a sex therapist because of the woman’s snide, condescending comment, right?

Why is that its obvious in the man’s case that it was an unwarranted judgment yet in the case of the woman its not so obvious and people try to rationalize this woman’s statement? In fact, in some cases people would say don’t judge the man for not wanting sex, that makes him an even better catch if he’s like that. Then, you can have an even more meaningful relationship with him if it’s not so centered on sex.

Judgments are awful and make people uncomfortable. Judgments can destroy friendships and shatter trust forever. Judgments shouldn’t be confused with assessments, observations, evaluations, or penalties.