Clueless Boyfriend

Dear Elyse,
My boyfriend refuses to buy condoms. He says they are too expensive. I don't have health insurance so I can't get birth control pills. My boyfriend says that if we both orgasm then I can't become pregnant. Please help!!!
Yours,
Bound to become pregnant against my own will.

Dear Bound to become pregnant,
I had to read your letter twice because I was in such shock. Your boyfriend thinks condoms are too expensive? Has he considered the cost of raising a child? Also the idea that if both of you orgasm-you can't get pregnant is more ridiculous than the flakiest of all old wives tales. I think that your boyfriend is trying to knock you up so that he can tie you down or have an excuse to boot! I suggest that you find a child and bring the child everywhere you go with your boyfriend to demonstrate the difficulty of raising a child. Purposely pick an obstreperous and testy child.
Yours,
Elyse