Although adultery today isn't as taboo as it was fifty years ago, it is still scorned . Stereotypes about the people who enter into extramarital affairs abound. I know about all of this because I was involved in an emotional extramarital affair for almost five years and I've heard all kinds of opinions about this subject matter. I'm here to tell my story because my frustrations and agitation over people's perceptions have built up massively. I'm here to dispel assumptions. Many people assume that men who stray from their marriage are sex maniacs who are simply looking for a romp or looking for variety in their sexual regime. Some people even go as far as to say that these men are pigs, douchebags, etc. In addition, many people assume that women who engage in extra marital affairs are simply gold diggers or that they purposely select married men because they fear rejection or aren't interested in real intimacy. All of these assumptions are in my case, untrue.
I first encountered X through mutual friends in a tennis group. At first, I just casually started talking to him because I'm a vivacious person, he started to confide to me about issues in the marriage and as a naturally sympathetic person, I saw it as my duty to listen. Tales of his wife's lack of acceptance of him, her invasion of his personal space and her constant drive to change his appearance ( which was perfectly good) melted my heart. After that I learned about her lack of engagement with the family, her desire to spend all of his money and force him into being a work a holic. She seemed superficial and unappreciative. I felt terrible for x. I didn't know that I was capable of feeling such empathy. Gradually, I engaged deeper with this man. What was an innocent conversation morphed into regular lengthy texting and email sessions as well as face to face meetings. I gradually began to really like this man and feel that I could be with him for life. I genuinely felt that he understood me and appreciated me. We had inside, secret jokes. I honestly believed that this could be a case of him picking the wrong person and then meeting the right person,
Most people didn't share my optimistic viewpoint on the situation. They would utter cautionary advice like, " once a cheater always a cheater" or "he'll never leave his wife for you". I was dismayed at the time by the people's sentiments but I shouldn't have been. After all, there are so many tales of infidelity that that's it's practically commonplace. However, I wanted to stay upbeat and maintain my hope in the relationship. When you are in your thirties and not married, it's never easy. Everyday you start to feel less and less hopeful that you will meet someone. You feel like an outcast when everyone else seems to be married with kids. Even the ugly, stupid women. You know you are competing against twenty two year olds who are thinner than you and have tighter skin than you. And a mate could help because the cost of living in NYC is astronomical. Ok, now I sound like a woman's magazine.
Anyways, you start to be of the mindset that if you find someone you like, you should try to make it work even if there are red flags. I know the clichéd advice that if you want to meet people you should go on match. But honestly, who wants to go on hundreds of first dates talking to people you have nothing in common with and feel awkward later. And who wants to spend hours scouring the internet, crafting witty messages when you also have to be concerned about your career, maintaining a perfect size four figure, and oh you'd probably like to engage in those hobbies you love. So instead you try to mold whatever seems hopeful into a relationship. And you try and try and try. And let me tell you, I have the stamina of a long distance runner. I would do everything to put my best foot forward. I baked cookies. I offered to refer clients to his wealth management firm and I was especially nice to his kids. Everyday, I grew more frustrated by the fact that I seemed like such a better fit for him than his wife. I started researching the family ( let's face it we all do that). My competitive urges started to overpower me. I kept looking at pictures of his wife on Facebook and convincing myself I was thinner, cooler, and more witty. I thought about getting a guy friend to sleep with his wife and then showing him the pictures. Then I went too far. I'm a writer ( I hope you could tell that already). I wrote a novel and based a character on his situation. After that he became paranoid that his wife would ultimately read the book. Conversations became awkward where he would always be guarded. We kind of reconciled. But then he was charged by the sec for lack of due diligence in a Ponzi scheme and he became more watchful and anxious. I decided to back off after he made a remark that I found condescending. He said, "please try to keep this to yourself to whatever extent possible". I've been bitter since. As much as people may have their opinions on this situation, I have mine, this honestly wasn't a sexual thing, I withheld intercourse to insure that. It was really a truly deep friendship. And it wasn't a sugar daddy thing. I didn't receive any lavish gifts. So what's your vote?
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