Dear Elyse,
I'm 24 years old and looking to date. The dating world these days seems so casual. Instead of inviting me on a proper date, guys just tell me that they are hanging out with a bunch of friends and I might want to stop by their crib. When I do stop by their crib, I might make it to a make out, and after a few hangouts we might go all the way. Call me old fashioned but I really would like a traditional date once in a while.
Yours, In need of a real date
Dear In need of a real date,
It sounds like you feel slighted that you aren't invited on a proper date by suitors. Well- get over it. In today's times, casual dating seems to be all the rage. And believe it or not there are some positives of casual dating. Casual dating allows you to get to know your crush in different contexts before deciding whether you want to pursue the relationshis. Witnessing how your guy interacts and treats his friends will shed light on his values, morals, and sense of humor. AFter you get to know your guy in casual encounters, then push for a date. But honey, you might need to step up to the plate. Instead of waiting for your potential mate to ask you on a date, think of something the two of you can do together and take the initiative. Get tickets to a basketball game or the newest movie. Then ask your friend if he would like to attend with you. If he says no - at least you know where you stand. And who is to say- from going on all those group encounters you may find some of his buds attractive. Remember don't do anything you'll regret later. Need I say more. Step it up, girl!
Yours, Elyse
My column
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Controlling boyfriend
Dear Elyse,
My boyfriend has always been controlling but tolerable. Recently he demanded that I get fatter and not see my friends. I do not want to obey him but I don't want him to hurt me either. Your thoughts please!
Yours,
Being Held Captive
Dear Being Held Captive,
Am I mistaken or do we live in America? In some countries in the Middle East men may have the purview to control your body and your actions but in America that concept doesn't apply. I'm wondering what sort of restrictions did you find tolerable? I believe your boyfriend is so insecure he cannot stomach you spending any time with someone besides him. He wants you to be fatter so that other men won't fancy you ( even though we know that some men prefer heavier women) and he also doesn't want you spending time with friends because he fears that your friends will try to "steal" you away from him. While it may seem flattering that someone wants to spend so much time with you and be your boyfriend, I urge you to run for the hills. If you acquiesce to his request to plump up and end contact with your friends who knows what else he will ask you to do. Maybe quit your job? Maybe cut off contact with your family? If you let him know that he can control you, the level of control he asserts over you will magnify. I suggest that you tell him that you like your body the way it is now and you enjoy spending time with your friends, if you aren't able to enjoy these pleasures you won't be able to give to him the amount of care he deserves. Tell him you need to be your true self in order to be with him. If he is unable to comprehend this concept, then I suggest ending the relationship. You WILL find someone who will respect and let you live your true life.
Yours,
Elyse
My boyfriend has always been controlling but tolerable. Recently he demanded that I get fatter and not see my friends. I do not want to obey him but I don't want him to hurt me either. Your thoughts please!
Yours,
Being Held Captive
Dear Being Held Captive,
Am I mistaken or do we live in America? In some countries in the Middle East men may have the purview to control your body and your actions but in America that concept doesn't apply. I'm wondering what sort of restrictions did you find tolerable? I believe your boyfriend is so insecure he cannot stomach you spending any time with someone besides him. He wants you to be fatter so that other men won't fancy you ( even though we know that some men prefer heavier women) and he also doesn't want you spending time with friends because he fears that your friends will try to "steal" you away from him. While it may seem flattering that someone wants to spend so much time with you and be your boyfriend, I urge you to run for the hills. If you acquiesce to his request to plump up and end contact with your friends who knows what else he will ask you to do. Maybe quit your job? Maybe cut off contact with your family? If you let him know that he can control you, the level of control he asserts over you will magnify. I suggest that you tell him that you like your body the way it is now and you enjoy spending time with your friends, if you aren't able to enjoy these pleasures you won't be able to give to him the amount of care he deserves. Tell him you need to be your true self in order to be with him. If he is unable to comprehend this concept, then I suggest ending the relationship. You WILL find someone who will respect and let you live your true life.
Yours,
Elyse
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Receiver of friend's rejects
Dear Elyse,
My retched friend has the habit of passing her rejected leftovers to me. And no, I don't mean last night's pizza or baked ziti, I'm referring to guys that she'd like to toss out like an old sock. The guys she doesn't deem worthy of her time. Who does she think she is? What can I do to stop her? She acts like I should be grateful not annoyed about her gestures?
Yours,
Receiver of Rejects
Dear Receiver of Rejects,
Retched, indeed. Your friend has committed an act so vile, I'm not sure there is a punishment fit for her crime. By passing on her rejects to you, she is insulting you. She is conveying the message that she doesn't see you as her equal.Perhaps she is even afraid that you will out shine her and find a better mate then she does? Oh and then her poor ego will suffer. Who wants a friend like that? You definitely need to make your friend aware of the impact of her actions. I"m sure your friend loves going places to meet guys. From now on, only agree to go places with your friend that don't involve potential boyfriends. Go the most unsexy places that exist. How about bingo night? The fire department pancake breakfast? Yoga classes? Ballet classes? Knitting clubs? Need I say more. Eventually your friend may catch on and feel tortured. When she begs you to go on more testerone-filled excursions, explain to her that you will only go if she doesn't pass on her rejects to you. When she protests, stick to your guns and explain how it makes you feel when she does that. Then give her a chance to go on a sexy outing. If she repeats the same behavior return to the Betty Crocker like outings.
Yours,
Elyse
My retched friend has the habit of passing her rejected leftovers to me. And no, I don't mean last night's pizza or baked ziti, I'm referring to guys that she'd like to toss out like an old sock. The guys she doesn't deem worthy of her time. Who does she think she is? What can I do to stop her? She acts like I should be grateful not annoyed about her gestures?
Yours,
Receiver of Rejects
Dear Receiver of Rejects,
Retched, indeed. Your friend has committed an act so vile, I'm not sure there is a punishment fit for her crime. By passing on her rejects to you, she is insulting you. She is conveying the message that she doesn't see you as her equal.Perhaps she is even afraid that you will out shine her and find a better mate then she does? Oh and then her poor ego will suffer. Who wants a friend like that? You definitely need to make your friend aware of the impact of her actions. I"m sure your friend loves going places to meet guys. From now on, only agree to go places with your friend that don't involve potential boyfriends. Go the most unsexy places that exist. How about bingo night? The fire department pancake breakfast? Yoga classes? Ballet classes? Knitting clubs? Need I say more. Eventually your friend may catch on and feel tortured. When she begs you to go on more testerone-filled excursions, explain to her that you will only go if she doesn't pass on her rejects to you. When she protests, stick to your guns and explain how it makes you feel when she does that. Then give her a chance to go on a sexy outing. If she repeats the same behavior return to the Betty Crocker like outings.
Yours,
Elyse
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Ghosts of relationships past
Dear Elyse,
I went on a date with a guy. I'm in a vulnerable situation as I've gotten out of a painful, long-term relationship. The date started to heat up and then I realized that I felt absolutely nothing. I went along with it half heartedly and found that I was finally able to be turned on when I started to think of my ex and a former crush. I made ups lame excuse to get out of it. Now, I'm afraid to date again. What do I do when this happens again?
Yours,
Haunted by ghosts of dating past
Dear Haunted by ghosts of dating past,
You sound like you are uber- stressed out about this occurrence. As long as you didn't yell out your ex's name during the episode, I don't think you have done anything patently heinous. It is very normal to have a grieving period after a relationship comes to an end. If you still harbor some feelings for you ex, it is normal to think of your ex during carnal relations . And who doesn't- you did once love him, right? I suggest that anytime you find yourself in this predicament, you imagine the most appalling qualities of your ex and any images of him will quickly disappear. However, I also caution you to wait to date. As unthinkable as this sounds, there are other activities on earth besides dating like joining clubs , playing sports, and growing existing platonic friendships. As long as you don't spend all of your free time in a sugar-induced coma watching television, you will grow and gradually become more ready. When you intuition tells you that you are ready go for it. And remember if after one date you still find yourself in the same situation, just remember, its ok at any time to end the date, just tell the suitor you need to slow things down. That's it. Finale!
Yours,
Elyse
I went on a date with a guy. I'm in a vulnerable situation as I've gotten out of a painful, long-term relationship. The date started to heat up and then I realized that I felt absolutely nothing. I went along with it half heartedly and found that I was finally able to be turned on when I started to think of my ex and a former crush. I made ups lame excuse to get out of it. Now, I'm afraid to date again. What do I do when this happens again?
Yours,
Haunted by ghosts of dating past
Dear Haunted by ghosts of dating past,
You sound like you are uber- stressed out about this occurrence. As long as you didn't yell out your ex's name during the episode, I don't think you have done anything patently heinous. It is very normal to have a grieving period after a relationship comes to an end. If you still harbor some feelings for you ex, it is normal to think of your ex during carnal relations . And who doesn't- you did once love him, right? I suggest that anytime you find yourself in this predicament, you imagine the most appalling qualities of your ex and any images of him will quickly disappear. However, I also caution you to wait to date. As unthinkable as this sounds, there are other activities on earth besides dating like joining clubs , playing sports, and growing existing platonic friendships. As long as you don't spend all of your free time in a sugar-induced coma watching television, you will grow and gradually become more ready. When you intuition tells you that you are ready go for it. And remember if after one date you still find yourself in the same situation, just remember, its ok at any time to end the date, just tell the suitor you need to slow things down. That's it. Finale!
Yours,
Elyse
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