Over worked mom

Dear Elyse,
I am a 36 year-old mom with three kids under the age of ten. I opted to work as a lawyer, part time, from home since my husband works very long hours ( he owns three companies). I have tried hiring different babysitters so that I can work while the kids are at home but most of the sitters have been lazy good for nothings who overcharge (since when do college students get paid $35 per hour). To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. My relationship with my husband has suffered, we almost never have sex and we haven't been on a date in months. Short of cloning myself or turning myself off for the day ( where's the off switch in humans) or renting a studio just for myself to disappear to, I have no clue how to make my life less stressful and have a more satisfying relationship with my husband. Please help!
Yours,
Overworked and undersexed.

Dear Overworked and Undersexed,
It sounds like you are striving to achieve all: a great husband, happy children, and a stellar career. Which is reasonable - who doesn't want all those three things? Why don't you also try to be a world class athlete ( jk). Good for you for looking out for yourself and going after what you desire. However, it seems like that you are not receiving the assistance needed so that you can achieve in all three aspects of your life: kids, career, and husband. In order to alleviate the situation you need to speak to all of the parties involved and be direct with them. Tell them what you need. Lets address all three. First off, do not give up on babysitters. There are good babysitters out there- you just have to look. I would recommend going to an agency, when you meet with the representative. Be very specific about what you are looking for in a babysitter. Then, let your babysitter know your expectations. Let the kids and the babysitter know that even though you are at home you aren't available. I would suggest also working in a place where they don't want to go like your dank basement. In addition, to enforce that you aren't available, when they ask you for something simply tell them that you are working rather than giving into their request ( of course there are exceptions). Also, tell the kids that if they interrupt you, it will take you longer to finish your work and then they have less the with you. Make sure that when you aren't working, you spend quality time with the kids. With your husband, I would recommend telling him that you so miss his company and would like to spend more time with him. Also make sure that you tell him how it will benefit him to spend time with you as this will motivate him. Think of an incentive. Acknowledge that you know he is busy but you feel it would help both of you become more productive if you had at least one date a week without the kids. Finally, with your career, its all about being efficient and making the most of your time. Set the timer and don't allow yourself to work beyond a certain point ( this will force you to focus more on your work and less on distractions). When I played Division I tennis I always found my grades were higher during the season than in the off season because I made the most of my time knowing that I had very little of it. Two recommended readings I can suggest are Lysss Stern, If you give a mom a martini, which suggests different ways you can make the most of the few precious moments you have to yourself and Tim Farris', The four hour work week which helps you decide which tasks are important for you to do and suggests you delegate the rest. Best of luck and keep rocking.
Yours,
Elyse

Single and loathing it

Dear Elyse,
I am single and I've been single for what seems like an eternity. I absolutely hate it! Everyone gives me patronizing looks and acts like there must be something wrong with me if I don't have a boyfriend, I feel like I'm behind all my friends who are already having kids, and on weekends I'm stuck watching Law and Order Reruns with my dog. I really want to meet someone but there doesn't seem to be a good way to meet a hottie. I hate bars because they are loud, I hate dating websites because people often mask there true selves, and I've exhausted all possibilities of people I know. The only advice I've received so far is embrace your true self and it will just happen, make out with your cousin, use a vibrator, hire a rape artist to have sex with you, and best of all say to yourself I have a wonderful boyfriend and then he will pop up out of nowhere. Please, you must be able to do better than that.
Yours,
Single and loathing it

Dear Single and Loathing It,
May I suggest concocting a love potion? Just kidding. Please know that you are not the only one who encounters the difficulties of being single that you mentioned: patronizing looks, being placed at the kids table, and having nothing to do on the weekends. The best piece of advice I can give you is not to internalize other people's judgements and assessments of you for being single. You could also bring a fake boyfriend with you to family gatherings in order to counter the nasty steel looks you receive. Know that whether or not you have boyfriend is only one aspect of you . There are many other pieces of your persona: the job you do, the car you drive, how you wear your hair- you get my drift. Also note that there was a study that women who were happily married were happily single first because they didn't rely on a guy to make them happy, all traits about you: whether you are annoying, funny, or caring were still remain regardless of whether or not you land a man. Okay, now for the constructive actions. If you want to meet a man and have exhausted all of the traditional measures here are some other steps that I bet you haven't thought of. Do everything you can to be around people. Instead of watching tv on a Saturday night go read a book at a Barnes and Noble, go listen to a jazz band, or go to a sporting event. At least that way the presence of people won't make you feel lonely. Also, always be friendly and warm and then you are more likely to attract men. In addition, instead of trying bars and dating sites look to your friends and family to meet people as they know you best. Whenever one of those judgmental friends makes a snide remark, say to them, "I'd really like to meet someone do you have anyone in mind." You can even send an email to all of your friends, telling them you are on a quest to meet someone and are determined, do they have anything suggestions. Throw a party for all of your single friends and ask each of them to bring someone along, to increase the likelihood that you will meet someone. Finally , just be real and genuine and comfortable with yourself and you will appear more attractive. Think of dating like improv comedy.
Yours,
Elyse

Teddy bear in the bedroom, bull in the boardroom

Dear Elyse,
I'm in the real estate development business. Like all business people I must engage in some shady and dishonest practices to succeed ( I'd rather not elaborate). I one day told my girlfriend about a measure I was taking on a project. She flipped out and said, "Well how do I know you aren't a lying and cheating with me? Next thing I know you might steel my money or possessions". I believe that I have a different persona with family, friends, and significant others than I do in the boardroom. How do I convince my girlfriend that I can turn my business persona on and off?
Yours,
Bull in the boardroom

Dear Bull in the Boardroom,
I commend you for being honest with your girlfriend. In the long run, honesty is the best policy. However, just because you are completely honest with someone, it doesn't mean that they will necessarily approve of what you tell them. It sounds like you want your girlfriend to trust you and feel comfortable around you. In order to achieve that, you need to demonstrate your honesty by your actions towards her. Gradually, if you are consistently truthful, candid, and direct with her, your girlfriend will grow to trust and respect you.
Yours,
Elyse

Hiding being hot for her

Dear Elyse,
I met this girl and she was oh so fine. We had a great conversation and ended up realizing that we have several interests and values in common. She even asked about my family. This was Friday night. I really want to see her again. Do you think that I should wait till Tuesday before I email her?
Yours,
Hiding being Hot for Her

Dear Hiding Being Hot for Her,
Please know that if you really like a girl and feel that she likes you, it is better to call sooner than later as then you will be putting her out of her agony. Do you think any girl likes waiting by the phone for you to call? Also it sounds like you are concerned about coming across as too eager to get in her pants. Whether or not girls perceive you as a pervert or as over eager isn't really about how long you wait to call, it's more about the content of your messages. If you say something like want to come over or you are really hot than that will be construed as a booty call. However, if you suggest a romantic yet not overtly sexual activity than you will be seen as a suitor and woman love that. What woman would turn down a date to paddle around the lake in central park? Yours,
Elyse

Hiding boyfriends from mom

Dear Elyse,
My mom is super- picky. She subscribes to the mantra, no guy is good enough for my daughter. I'm not sure what to do if I have a guy that is important to me. Should I introduce her to a boyfriend?
Yours,
Hiding boyfriends from mom.

Dear Hiding boyfriends from mom,
Here are some suggestions to deal with your overly protective, inspector general mom. First, do not introduce any boyfriends to your mom until you are 30. Then, when you are 30, she will be so relieved that you finally have a boyfriend that she'll accept just about anyone. Second, if you think there is something your mom won't like about your boyfriend tell your mom oh mom by the way I have a boyfriend and he is HIV positive, a drug addict, a player, a convicted felon, and a minor. And then tell her oh by the way, I'm just kidding- but he is ... and then add in the part that she might not like about him. Ok now for the serious advice. It sounds as though you are conflicted. You want your mother to approve of your choices because after all she is your mom. But you also want to live your life and be happy. And we are entitled to like what we like regardless of what our mothers have in mind for us. The best way to get your mother to like your boyfriend is to tell her how nice your boyfriend is to you. mention all the thoughtful things he does for you. What mother would not want her daughter with a thoughtful, kind guy who adores her daughter?
Yours,
Elyse.

When am I in a relationship?

Dear Elyse,
I'm a single girl who dates a lot. I'll go to with a guy a few times, maybe even bed the guy. In fact, I might even ( gulp) go shopping with the guy. We'll have deep conversations sometimes. Yet, I never know when I'm in a relationship with the guy. Are there some clues/ signs that we have finally crossed the threshold and are in a relationship?
Yours Truly When oh When.

Dear When oh When,
You see, a guy usually brings out a promise ring and a boyfriend/ girlfriend bracelet for you on a tray and says a poem declaring his desire to be your boyfriend. So .. I guess you haven't had any boyfriends. Just kidding. Gone are the days of formal declarations of being a boyfriend and girlfriend entity. However, there are different clues that you are probably in a relationship. (1) The guy takes you to public places rather than just shagging you at his house and then leaving. He also offers you public affection.(2) The guy introduces you to his friends and his family as his girlfriend. (3) The guy shows that he cares for you by asking about your stuff not just mentioning his stuff and going to batt for you when it really counts. (4) The guy works to resolve difficulties between the two of you rather than just ditch you the moment things go sour. (5) You guys have inside jokes and pet names for each other. These are telltale signs that a guy sees you as a significant other not a just an easy lay. Most guys tell me that if a girl asks him, "Where is this going?" It ruins the thrill of the chase. However, if after a certain amount of time ( 6 months- year) you still are uncertain what a guy thinks of you, you might want to bring it up subtly. Like , "If someone ever asked you if you had a girlfriend what would you say?" Most importantly, if you are sexually involved with someone it is important to protect yourself and ask them if they are monogamous. Good luck in your detective work. And again, this is just my opinion.
Yours,
Elyse.

Humor needed

I go up to a man and a woman and start talking to them. Then I say, "So are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend, married, or what?:. He replies, "I don't know. After today's fight, she might be throwing me out on to the street." She says,, "Oh shut up." I say, " You guys sound like a married couple. So let me make this simple for you. If an attractive girl like myself invited you for a quickie, no strings attached, would you accept?" He says, " No." I say, "So you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend." She says, " He's joshing you."

Still single and 30

Dear Elyse,
I'm almost thirty years old and I have only been in one romantic relationship that was during my freshman year of college. That relationship ended badly, the guy was cheating on me the whole time and I gave up my group of friends to spend time with him. He also insisted that I only spend time with him and didn't want to meet my friends. After my college relationship, I met a guy that I thought truly loved me. We had been friends first and I thought that was a good sign. I lost weight for him an also moved to another city because he told me that he loved me but that he wouldn't date anyone who lived outside his city. We ended up sleeping together but never officially being boyfriend and girlfriend. He always insisted that I keep our coital affairs a secret. Then I found out he had a girlfriend, who started stalking me and constantly IMing me. Almost 7 years later, I've yet to even come close to having a boyfriend and at this point I feel hopeless. Is there something wrong with me? Please help. I don't want to be one of those crazy cat ladies who buys vests and charm bracelets for canines instead of lovers.
Yours,
Hopelessly Devoted

Dear Hopelessly Devoted,
Sorry for all of the grief you have endured from your men. Also, please realize that there is nothing wrong with you just because you've only had one romantic relationship and you are almost 30. People change so much in their twenties and early thirties that most people aren't going to stay with the people they date in those formative years. Now, here are my insights.And please remember that it is just my opinion. Here is the common denominator in both of your predicaments: you. You did everything you could to meet the demands of these men. And a result you neglected to think about yourself. Then, the men disappointed you by not rewarding you for your efforts to please them in the way you thought they would reward you and your needs were not met. You deprived yourself of food and most importantly: friends. In addition, men find it sexy when a girl takes care of herself. Conversely, when a girl allows a guy to own her she demonstrates that she has no self confidence or worth which guys find totally appalling. So next time you meet a guy you like, make sure you make the relationship about you. Think about what you want from the guy and find a way to communicate that to him while also being caring and loving to him.
Yours,
Elyse

Give a guy a gift

Dear Elyse, I've been told never to give a guy a gift. I'm wondering about the wisdom behind this mantra. Any ideas why it could be detrimental to a relationship to give a guy a gift? I've been thinking about the question of getting a man a gift and some very thoughtful friends have provided some interesting insights as to why it might not be circumspect. (1) That a gift might signify that you expect a gift in return. (2) If you give a guy one gift, you have to then give a guy multiple gifts. But it is not ... (3) If you give a guy gift you are showing emotions. If you and a guy are in some sort of a relationship, what is wrong with showing you care for him? Who doesn't like being attended to? Albeit that, make sure the gift is personal and thoughtful not some generic over priced polo that clashes with his complexion. Also, try to have a reason to give the gift such as a holiday o you now he's been having a tough week and you wanted to cheer him up. Random gift droppings are a little strange.The best gift is cookies or any food. Males have an appetite. Who is going to say no to food. Worst gift a book on better sex. No male wants o hear that their sexual moves need work.