Dear Elyse,
I'm a member of a triad. In other words, my boyfriend is dating me and anther woman. We all live together and do many activities jointly. He alternates who he sleeps with each night. The three of us are going to my family for the holidays and I'm wondering how I should explain our relationship to them.
Yours,
Triad member
Dear Triad Member,
Your arrangement is a unique format that is constantly being altered and explored. Props to you for being adventurous. How about telling your relatives that you are part of a social experiment sponsored by a University Research Group and trying something new and then tell them the details of your configuration as you know them? Or better yet, simply tell them that you are in a unique situation and while it may seem incomprehensible to them it keeps you satisfied. Explain them to why it works for you. Explain to them that you are not asking for their approval just their acknowledgement. Also if they have questions, let them know that you are happy to entertain the questions as long as they are asked in a non hostile manner. Be prepared with websites that offer information about this, if you feel it gets hostile or you feel that you are at a loss for how to answer them. Good luck! Remember there are plenty of movies playing on Christmas Day if the discussion gets too heated for your taste. And keep being a pioneer.
Yours,
Elyse
My column
Friday, December 21, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Standing ovation
Dear Elyse,
My boyfriend is an aspiring actor. I have seen him perform and he is absolutely deplorable. In fact, I almost want to leave and hide in the bathroom he is so darn awful. He always asks me, "How did I do?" Should I be honest. Yours,
The Inevitable Thumbs Down
Dear The Inevitable Thumbs Down,
I guess you should either make friends with the toilet paper or tell him how bad he is and then book an express flight out of the country and join the witness protection program. Or how about a more feasible solution? Actors are a very sensitive breed. For most of their career, they will endure rejection.Some are better at handling it than others. You are not a casting director, an agent, a director, or an acting teacher. Therefore, it is not your duty to criticize your boyfriend's acting skills. In addition, while you may have your own preferences, you are not trained in judging actors. Therefore, I suggest not sharing your assessment with your boyfriend. If he lacks talent, there are plenty of people present who will tell him. Instead, find one small aspect of your boyfriend's acting that was semi- passable and tell him that you liked that. Or tell him a general quality about the show that you enjoyed. Be encouraging but genuine. If the underlying issue is that you don't respect your boyfriend, delve deeper. See if there other qualities about your boyfriend that you admire. If not .....
Yours,
Elyse
My boyfriend is an aspiring actor. I have seen him perform and he is absolutely deplorable. In fact, I almost want to leave and hide in the bathroom he is so darn awful. He always asks me, "How did I do?" Should I be honest. Yours,
The Inevitable Thumbs Down
Dear The Inevitable Thumbs Down,
I guess you should either make friends with the toilet paper or tell him how bad he is and then book an express flight out of the country and join the witness protection program. Or how about a more feasible solution? Actors are a very sensitive breed. For most of their career, they will endure rejection.Some are better at handling it than others. You are not a casting director, an agent, a director, or an acting teacher. Therefore, it is not your duty to criticize your boyfriend's acting skills. In addition, while you may have your own preferences, you are not trained in judging actors. Therefore, I suggest not sharing your assessment with your boyfriend. If he lacks talent, there are plenty of people present who will tell him. Instead, find one small aspect of your boyfriend's acting that was semi- passable and tell him that you liked that. Or tell him a general quality about the show that you enjoyed. Be encouraging but genuine. If the underlying issue is that you don't respect your boyfriend, delve deeper. See if there other qualities about your boyfriend that you admire. If not .....
Yours,
Elyse
Ask the guys
As promised, I am posting the Ask Guys findings. The question I asked for Ask The Guys was something that I'm sure burns in all you single gals minds. What makes a girl someone who is beyond a hookup girl and an actual girlfriend. Here are some surprising answers. (1) Manners. Be polite and courteous if you want to make it past the first month. (2) Stability (3) Not wearing a skirt or extremely revealing clothing. (4) Don't sleep with the guy until after two weeks. (5) The girl who you can take home to mom. Well- I guess it take more than just having a hot barbie doll body and an endearing personality to build a long term relationship.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Communication
Dear Elyse,
My girlfriend never seems to want to have sex with me. Yet, the other night I found her pleasuring herself. Clearly she has some sexual desire. But not a desire for me? What am I doing wrong?
Yours,
Sexless
Dear Sexless,
May I suggest something totally radical: ask her what she wants. Perhaps she never wants to have sex with you because what you offer her doesn't satisfy her. Now, I'm not suggesting that you don't get what you want- I'm not a sadist or anything. But perhaps for now sex needs to be a two act play. Act one : her. Act two: you. Eventually you may be able to merge the two acts into one but for now stick with two acts.
Yours,
Elyse
My girlfriend never seems to want to have sex with me. Yet, the other night I found her pleasuring herself. Clearly she has some sexual desire. But not a desire for me? What am I doing wrong?
Yours,
Sexless
Dear Sexless,
May I suggest something totally radical: ask her what she wants. Perhaps she never wants to have sex with you because what you offer her doesn't satisfy her. Now, I'm not suggesting that you don't get what you want- I'm not a sadist or anything. But perhaps for now sex needs to be a two act play. Act one : her. Act two: you. Eventually you may be able to merge the two acts into one but for now stick with two acts.
Yours,
Elyse
Monday, November 26, 2012
Active Listening
Dear Elyse,
Whenever my boyfriend and I have conversations , he interrupts the conversations and either says that he doesn't want to hear my story and finds the story boring or he just jumps in and starts telling an anecdote of his own. I feel very frustrated by this.
Yours,
Seen but not heard
Dear Seen but not Heard,
How dare your boyfriend not listen to what you are saying? I recommend taping his mouth shut, stapling him to the seat and demanding that he listen to you. And don't forget to strip down to nothing when you do this and then it will be impossible for him not to agree to listen. Not. It sounds like you feel like your boyfriend not listening to you means that he doesn't care about you. This is a rational fear. However there may be other reasons that your boyfriend interrupts you. I would try to discern if there is a pattern to why your boyfriend doesn't listen to what you say and insists on dominating the conversation. Is it when you speak about a certain topic? Does he not know that much about that topic or find that topic uncomfortable to talk about? Is it because you don't include him in the conversation by asking what he thinks? Is it because he has something he wants to talk about that can't wait? Try over the next few weeks to discern the answers to these questions and see if by making adjustments you can improve the flow of conversation. Remember that good conversation is a two way street not just a monologue. If you find that the flow of conversation doesn't improve, confront your boyfriend. If you feel the urge to spit out a random diatribe, get a twitter account or talk to your cats.
Yours,
Elyse
Whenever my boyfriend and I have conversations , he interrupts the conversations and either says that he doesn't want to hear my story and finds the story boring or he just jumps in and starts telling an anecdote of his own. I feel very frustrated by this.
Yours,
Seen but not heard
Dear Seen but not Heard,
How dare your boyfriend not listen to what you are saying? I recommend taping his mouth shut, stapling him to the seat and demanding that he listen to you. And don't forget to strip down to nothing when you do this and then it will be impossible for him not to agree to listen. Not. It sounds like you feel like your boyfriend not listening to you means that he doesn't care about you. This is a rational fear. However there may be other reasons that your boyfriend interrupts you. I would try to discern if there is a pattern to why your boyfriend doesn't listen to what you say and insists on dominating the conversation. Is it when you speak about a certain topic? Does he not know that much about that topic or find that topic uncomfortable to talk about? Is it because you don't include him in the conversation by asking what he thinks? Is it because he has something he wants to talk about that can't wait? Try over the next few weeks to discern the answers to these questions and see if by making adjustments you can improve the flow of conversation. Remember that good conversation is a two way street not just a monologue. If you find that the flow of conversation doesn't improve, confront your boyfriend. If you feel the urge to spit out a random diatribe, get a twitter account or talk to your cats.
Yours,
Elyse
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Dear Elyse,
The other day I was eating in a classy restaurant trying to have an adult conversation with two of my friends when my thoughts were interrupted by a screaming child. The child's screaming persisted through the entire duration. I finally asked my waitress if this was appropriate for the restaurant and she concurred the it wasn't but refused to speak to the woman. This being a free country I went up to the woman and told her that she needed to keep her children under control or not eat at this restaurant. She responded by calling me a child hater and saying I didn't appreciate all that she was doing to manage her child. I feel like I am the bad guy for simply wanting a peaceful lunch. What is your take? What would have been the best way to approach it?
Yours,
Pained While Lunching
Dear Pained while lunching,
First let me state that I agree with you. People shouldn't bring children to fancy restaurants. In general if there are clothe handkerchiefs, then the restaurant is fit for adults only. I can also imagine your pain trying to enjoy your lunch with loud noises in the background. You were hoping for a relaxing afternoon and instead you got a tension-filled afternoon. However, the restaurant seating hostess is the one who makes the decision about who is allowed to eat in the restaurant, not you. They view it that everyone's money is equal and are thinking about their bottom line. Your objective was to have a peaceful lunch not to have a confrontation right? Next time, if you are in this predicament, ask your server if it is possible for you not to be seated near children.This way you avoid both being disturbed and getting into confrontation. Remember that even though you may have your beliefs about children eating in fancy restaurants it really isn't your duty to impose these beliefs on others. And also - who wants the extra gray hairs and wrinkles that results from getting angry?
Yours,
Elyse
The other day I was eating in a classy restaurant trying to have an adult conversation with two of my friends when my thoughts were interrupted by a screaming child. The child's screaming persisted through the entire duration. I finally asked my waitress if this was appropriate for the restaurant and she concurred the it wasn't but refused to speak to the woman. This being a free country I went up to the woman and told her that she needed to keep her children under control or not eat at this restaurant. She responded by calling me a child hater and saying I didn't appreciate all that she was doing to manage her child. I feel like I am the bad guy for simply wanting a peaceful lunch. What is your take? What would have been the best way to approach it?
Yours,
Pained While Lunching
Dear Pained while lunching,
First let me state that I agree with you. People shouldn't bring children to fancy restaurants. In general if there are clothe handkerchiefs, then the restaurant is fit for adults only. I can also imagine your pain trying to enjoy your lunch with loud noises in the background. You were hoping for a relaxing afternoon and instead you got a tension-filled afternoon. However, the restaurant seating hostess is the one who makes the decision about who is allowed to eat in the restaurant, not you. They view it that everyone's money is equal and are thinking about their bottom line. Your objective was to have a peaceful lunch not to have a confrontation right? Next time, if you are in this predicament, ask your server if it is possible for you not to be seated near children.This way you avoid both being disturbed and getting into confrontation. Remember that even though you may have your beliefs about children eating in fancy restaurants it really isn't your duty to impose these beliefs on others. And also - who wants the extra gray hairs and wrinkles that results from getting angry?
Yours,
Elyse
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Sexy text
Dear Elyse,
I'm looking to attract the attention of this one guy! What is a text message that is bound to catch his attention? Yours,
In need of a sexy text
Dear In need of a sexy text,
One thing I can tell you about men is that they are visual and action oriented and don't have the patience to read long messages. So write something concise about something you may plan to do for him or to him, or perhaps write about the sexy outfit you are wearing. You may want to do a few test runs on some of your guy friends! Good luck! Yours,
Elyse
I'm looking to attract the attention of this one guy! What is a text message that is bound to catch his attention? Yours,
In need of a sexy text
Dear In need of a sexy text,
One thing I can tell you about men is that they are visual and action oriented and don't have the patience to read long messages. So write something concise about something you may plan to do for him or to him, or perhaps write about the sexy outfit you are wearing. You may want to do a few test runs on some of your guy friends! Good luck! Yours,
Elyse
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Politics and love
Dear Elyse,
Yesterday, my boyfriend and I were watching the vice presidential debate. I quickly discovered that he is on the opposite side of the political spectrum as I am. He is an ardent Romney supporter because he doesn't want to pay higher taxes and blames Obama for the rising gas prices. I'm not sure what to do. I am a staunch Democrat and could never bring myself to pull the Republican lever because of the Republicans stance on abortion. Do you think I should simply keep my mouth shut and turn the discuss elsewhere when politics come up or do you think I should try to convert him into an Obama voter?
Yours,
Polarized Love
Dear Polarized Love,
I think the most important thing for your to evaluate is the morals and values that are driving your boyfriend to vote the way he does. If you feel that your boyfriend's political preferences reveal negative aspects of his persona than you may want to reconsider the relationship. If you feel that your boyfriend is a good person who simply believes there are different ways to achieve a better country than you do than you shouldn't act on it. Now, in terms of watching the debate together tomorrow - think about if you want to just avoid confrontation or ... perhaps you can use arguing to fuel passion.
Yours,
Elyse
Yesterday, my boyfriend and I were watching the vice presidential debate. I quickly discovered that he is on the opposite side of the political spectrum as I am. He is an ardent Romney supporter because he doesn't want to pay higher taxes and blames Obama for the rising gas prices. I'm not sure what to do. I am a staunch Democrat and could never bring myself to pull the Republican lever because of the Republicans stance on abortion. Do you think I should simply keep my mouth shut and turn the discuss elsewhere when politics come up or do you think I should try to convert him into an Obama voter?
Yours,
Polarized Love
Dear Polarized Love,
I think the most important thing for your to evaluate is the morals and values that are driving your boyfriend to vote the way he does. If you feel that your boyfriend's political preferences reveal negative aspects of his persona than you may want to reconsider the relationship. If you feel that your boyfriend is a good person who simply believes there are different ways to achieve a better country than you do than you shouldn't act on it. Now, in terms of watching the debate together tomorrow - think about if you want to just avoid confrontation or ... perhaps you can use arguing to fuel passion.
Yours,
Elyse
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Need a commitment
Dear Elyse,
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We see each other twice a week and he calls me every night. I'd like to see him more often and talk to him about moving in together. I'd also like to meet his parents and have some assurance that we have a future together. However, every time I flirt with the topic, he just makes a face and changes the subject. Ditch or not?
Yours,
Ready to be committed if I don't get a commitment
Dear Ready to be Committed if I don't get a Commitment,
Here is my take charge plan of action for you. First of all, friend all of his relatives on Facebook and send them messages telling them that you are a wonderful person and want to be the mother of his children. Then, purchase tickets for Thanksgiving to visit his family and tell him that you thus have to attend the family holiday dinner. Also, siege his keys and make copies of the keys and tell him that you are moving in because your lease expired. Ok, I hope that (1) you don't implement this plan. (2) you don't report me to the stalking bureau. Now here is my grave, serious advice. You need to think about exactly how much of a commitment you would like. How long before your would like to move in with him? How long before you meet his relatives? Get married? Do you need a promise of marriage or just a lifelong commitment? Do you just want to see him more often? After you have thought about what you exactly need from him then decide what your non negotiable elements are and how you will respond if he refuses to give you these. Then, have an honest discussion with him where you tell him your request. It is important to frame the request in a non-threatening yet firm manner. Also, it is important to somehow work into the discussion how his making a commitment will benefit him. A lot of men haven't even thought about commitment and will not ever bring up the subject matter unless you initiate the discussion. Good luck!
Yours,
Elyse
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We see each other twice a week and he calls me every night. I'd like to see him more often and talk to him about moving in together. I'd also like to meet his parents and have some assurance that we have a future together. However, every time I flirt with the topic, he just makes a face and changes the subject. Ditch or not?
Yours,
Ready to be committed if I don't get a commitment
Dear Ready to be Committed if I don't get a Commitment,
Here is my take charge plan of action for you. First of all, friend all of his relatives on Facebook and send them messages telling them that you are a wonderful person and want to be the mother of his children. Then, purchase tickets for Thanksgiving to visit his family and tell him that you thus have to attend the family holiday dinner. Also, siege his keys and make copies of the keys and tell him that you are moving in because your lease expired. Ok, I hope that (1) you don't implement this plan. (2) you don't report me to the stalking bureau. Now here is my grave, serious advice. You need to think about exactly how much of a commitment you would like. How long before your would like to move in with him? How long before you meet his relatives? Get married? Do you need a promise of marriage or just a lifelong commitment? Do you just want to see him more often? After you have thought about what you exactly need from him then decide what your non negotiable elements are and how you will respond if he refuses to give you these. Then, have an honest discussion with him where you tell him your request. It is important to frame the request in a non-threatening yet firm manner. Also, it is important to somehow work into the discussion how his making a commitment will benefit him. A lot of men haven't even thought about commitment and will not ever bring up the subject matter unless you initiate the discussion. Good luck!
Yours,
Elyse
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Over worked mom
Dear Elyse,
I am a 36 year-old mom with three kids under the age of ten. I opted to work as a lawyer, part time, from home since my husband works very long hours ( he owns three companies). I have tried hiring different babysitters so that I can work while the kids are at home but most of the sitters have been lazy good for nothings who overcharge (since when do college students get paid $35 per hour). To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. My relationship with my husband has suffered, we almost never have sex and we haven't been on a date in months. Short of cloning myself or turning myself off for the day ( where's the off switch in humans) or renting a studio just for myself to disappear to, I have no clue how to make my life less stressful and have a more satisfying relationship with my husband. Please help!
Yours,
Overworked and undersexed.
Dear Overworked and Undersexed,
It sounds like you are striving to achieve all: a great husband, happy children, and a stellar career. Which is reasonable - who doesn't want all those three things? Why don't you also try to be a world class athlete ( jk). Good for you for looking out for yourself and going after what you desire. However, it seems like that you are not receiving the assistance needed so that you can achieve in all three aspects of your life: kids, career, and husband. In order to alleviate the situation you need to speak to all of the parties involved and be direct with them. Tell them what you need. Lets address all three. First off, do not give up on babysitters. There are good babysitters out there- you just have to look. I would recommend going to an agency, when you meet with the representative. Be very specific about what you are looking for in a babysitter. Then, let your babysitter know your expectations. Let the kids and the babysitter know that even though you are at home you aren't available. I would suggest also working in a place where they don't want to go like your dank basement. In addition, to enforce that you aren't available, when they ask you for something simply tell them that you are working rather than giving into their request ( of course there are exceptions). Also, tell the kids that if they interrupt you, it will take you longer to finish your work and then they have less the with you. Make sure that when you aren't working, you spend quality time with the kids. With your husband, I would recommend telling him that you so miss his company and would like to spend more time with him. Also make sure that you tell him how it will benefit him to spend time with you as this will motivate him. Think of an incentive. Acknowledge that you know he is busy but you feel it would help both of you become more productive if you had at least one date a week without the kids. Finally, with your career, its all about being efficient and making the most of your time. Set the timer and don't allow yourself to work beyond a certain point ( this will force you to focus more on your work and less on distractions). When I played Division I tennis I always found my grades were higher during the season than in the off season because I made the most of my time knowing that I had very little of it. Two recommended readings I can suggest are Lysss Stern, If you give a mom a martini, which suggests different ways you can make the most of the few precious moments you have to yourself and Tim Farris', The four hour work week which helps you decide which tasks are important for you to do and suggests you delegate the rest. Best of luck and keep rocking.
Yours,
Elyse
I am a 36 year-old mom with three kids under the age of ten. I opted to work as a lawyer, part time, from home since my husband works very long hours ( he owns three companies). I have tried hiring different babysitters so that I can work while the kids are at home but most of the sitters have been lazy good for nothings who overcharge (since when do college students get paid $35 per hour). To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. My relationship with my husband has suffered, we almost never have sex and we haven't been on a date in months. Short of cloning myself or turning myself off for the day ( where's the off switch in humans) or renting a studio just for myself to disappear to, I have no clue how to make my life less stressful and have a more satisfying relationship with my husband. Please help!
Yours,
Overworked and undersexed.
Dear Overworked and Undersexed,
It sounds like you are striving to achieve all: a great husband, happy children, and a stellar career. Which is reasonable - who doesn't want all those three things? Why don't you also try to be a world class athlete ( jk). Good for you for looking out for yourself and going after what you desire. However, it seems like that you are not receiving the assistance needed so that you can achieve in all three aspects of your life: kids, career, and husband. In order to alleviate the situation you need to speak to all of the parties involved and be direct with them. Tell them what you need. Lets address all three. First off, do not give up on babysitters. There are good babysitters out there- you just have to look. I would recommend going to an agency, when you meet with the representative. Be very specific about what you are looking for in a babysitter. Then, let your babysitter know your expectations. Let the kids and the babysitter know that even though you are at home you aren't available. I would suggest also working in a place where they don't want to go like your dank basement. In addition, to enforce that you aren't available, when they ask you for something simply tell them that you are working rather than giving into their request ( of course there are exceptions). Also, tell the kids that if they interrupt you, it will take you longer to finish your work and then they have less the with you. Make sure that when you aren't working, you spend quality time with the kids. With your husband, I would recommend telling him that you so miss his company and would like to spend more time with him. Also make sure that you tell him how it will benefit him to spend time with you as this will motivate him. Think of an incentive. Acknowledge that you know he is busy but you feel it would help both of you become more productive if you had at least one date a week without the kids. Finally, with your career, its all about being efficient and making the most of your time. Set the timer and don't allow yourself to work beyond a certain point ( this will force you to focus more on your work and less on distractions). When I played Division I tennis I always found my grades were higher during the season than in the off season because I made the most of my time knowing that I had very little of it. Two recommended readings I can suggest are Lysss Stern, If you give a mom a martini, which suggests different ways you can make the most of the few precious moments you have to yourself and Tim Farris', The four hour work week which helps you decide which tasks are important for you to do and suggests you delegate the rest. Best of luck and keep rocking.
Yours,
Elyse
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Single and loathing it
Dear Elyse,
I am single and I've been single for what seems like an eternity. I absolutely hate it! Everyone gives me patronizing looks and acts like there must be something wrong with me if I don't have a boyfriend, I feel like I'm behind all my friends who are already having kids, and on weekends I'm stuck watching Law and Order Reruns with my dog. I really want to meet someone but there doesn't seem to be a good way to meet a hottie. I hate bars because they are loud, I hate dating websites because people often mask there true selves, and I've exhausted all possibilities of people I know. The only advice I've received so far is embrace your true self and it will just happen, make out with your cousin, use a vibrator, hire a rape artist to have sex with you, and best of all say to yourself I have a wonderful boyfriend and then he will pop up out of nowhere. Please, you must be able to do better than that.
Yours,
Single and loathing it
Dear Single and Loathing It,
May I suggest concocting a love potion? Just kidding. Please know that you are not the only one who encounters the difficulties of being single that you mentioned: patronizing looks, being placed at the kids table, and having nothing to do on the weekends. The best piece of advice I can give you is not to internalize other people's judgements and assessments of you for being single. You could also bring a fake boyfriend with you to family gatherings in order to counter the nasty steel looks you receive. Know that whether or not you have boyfriend is only one aspect of you . There are many other pieces of your persona: the job you do, the car you drive, how you wear your hair- you get my drift. Also note that there was a study that women who were happily married were happily single first because they didn't rely on a guy to make them happy, all traits about you: whether you are annoying, funny, or caring were still remain regardless of whether or not you land a man. Okay, now for the constructive actions. If you want to meet a man and have exhausted all of the traditional measures here are some other steps that I bet you haven't thought of. Do everything you can to be around people. Instead of watching tv on a Saturday night go read a book at a Barnes and Noble, go listen to a jazz band, or go to a sporting event. At least that way the presence of people won't make you feel lonely. Also, always be friendly and warm and then you are more likely to attract men. In addition, instead of trying bars and dating sites look to your friends and family to meet people as they know you best. Whenever one of those judgmental friends makes a snide remark, say to them, "I'd really like to meet someone do you have anyone in mind." You can even send an email to all of your friends, telling them you are on a quest to meet someone and are determined, do they have anything suggestions. Throw a party for all of your single friends and ask each of them to bring someone along, to increase the likelihood that you will meet someone. Finally , just be real and genuine and comfortable with yourself and you will appear more attractive. Think of dating like improv comedy.
Yours,
Elyse
I am single and I've been single for what seems like an eternity. I absolutely hate it! Everyone gives me patronizing looks and acts like there must be something wrong with me if I don't have a boyfriend, I feel like I'm behind all my friends who are already having kids, and on weekends I'm stuck watching Law and Order Reruns with my dog. I really want to meet someone but there doesn't seem to be a good way to meet a hottie. I hate bars because they are loud, I hate dating websites because people often mask there true selves, and I've exhausted all possibilities of people I know. The only advice I've received so far is embrace your true self and it will just happen, make out with your cousin, use a vibrator, hire a rape artist to have sex with you, and best of all say to yourself I have a wonderful boyfriend and then he will pop up out of nowhere. Please, you must be able to do better than that.
Yours,
Single and loathing it
Dear Single and Loathing It,
May I suggest concocting a love potion? Just kidding. Please know that you are not the only one who encounters the difficulties of being single that you mentioned: patronizing looks, being placed at the kids table, and having nothing to do on the weekends. The best piece of advice I can give you is not to internalize other people's judgements and assessments of you for being single. You could also bring a fake boyfriend with you to family gatherings in order to counter the nasty steel looks you receive. Know that whether or not you have boyfriend is only one aspect of you . There are many other pieces of your persona: the job you do, the car you drive, how you wear your hair- you get my drift. Also note that there was a study that women who were happily married were happily single first because they didn't rely on a guy to make them happy, all traits about you: whether you are annoying, funny, or caring were still remain regardless of whether or not you land a man. Okay, now for the constructive actions. If you want to meet a man and have exhausted all of the traditional measures here are some other steps that I bet you haven't thought of. Do everything you can to be around people. Instead of watching tv on a Saturday night go read a book at a Barnes and Noble, go listen to a jazz band, or go to a sporting event. At least that way the presence of people won't make you feel lonely. Also, always be friendly and warm and then you are more likely to attract men. In addition, instead of trying bars and dating sites look to your friends and family to meet people as they know you best. Whenever one of those judgmental friends makes a snide remark, say to them, "I'd really like to meet someone do you have anyone in mind." You can even send an email to all of your friends, telling them you are on a quest to meet someone and are determined, do they have anything suggestions. Throw a party for all of your single friends and ask each of them to bring someone along, to increase the likelihood that you will meet someone. Finally , just be real and genuine and comfortable with yourself and you will appear more attractive. Think of dating like improv comedy.
Yours,
Elyse
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Teddy bear in the bedroom, bull in the boardroom
Dear Elyse,
I'm in the real estate development business. Like all business people I must engage in some shady and dishonest practices to succeed ( I'd rather not elaborate). I one day told my girlfriend about a measure I was taking on a project. She flipped out and said, "Well how do I know you aren't a lying and cheating with me? Next thing I know you might steel my money or possessions". I believe that I have a different persona with family, friends, and significant others than I do in the boardroom. How do I convince my girlfriend that I can turn my business persona on and off?
Yours,
Bull in the boardroom
Dear Bull in the Boardroom,
I commend you for being honest with your girlfriend. In the long run, honesty is the best policy. However, just because you are completely honest with someone, it doesn't mean that they will necessarily approve of what you tell them. It sounds like you want your girlfriend to trust you and feel comfortable around you. In order to achieve that, you need to demonstrate your honesty by your actions towards her. Gradually, if you are consistently truthful, candid, and direct with her, your girlfriend will grow to trust and respect you.
Yours,
Elyse
I'm in the real estate development business. Like all business people I must engage in some shady and dishonest practices to succeed ( I'd rather not elaborate). I one day told my girlfriend about a measure I was taking on a project. She flipped out and said, "Well how do I know you aren't a lying and cheating with me? Next thing I know you might steel my money or possessions". I believe that I have a different persona with family, friends, and significant others than I do in the boardroom. How do I convince my girlfriend that I can turn my business persona on and off?
Yours,
Bull in the boardroom
Dear Bull in the Boardroom,
I commend you for being honest with your girlfriend. In the long run, honesty is the best policy. However, just because you are completely honest with someone, it doesn't mean that they will necessarily approve of what you tell them. It sounds like you want your girlfriend to trust you and feel comfortable around you. In order to achieve that, you need to demonstrate your honesty by your actions towards her. Gradually, if you are consistently truthful, candid, and direct with her, your girlfriend will grow to trust and respect you.
Yours,
Elyse
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Hiding being hot for her
Dear Elyse,
I met this girl and she was oh so fine. We had a great conversation and ended up realizing that we have several interests and values in common. She even asked about my family. This was Friday night. I really want to see her again. Do you think that I should wait till Tuesday before I email her?
Yours,
Hiding being Hot for Her
Dear Hiding Being Hot for Her,
Please know that if you really like a girl and feel that she likes you, it is better to call sooner than later as then you will be putting her out of her agony. Do you think any girl likes waiting by the phone for you to call? Also it sounds like you are concerned about coming across as too eager to get in her pants. Whether or not girls perceive you as a pervert or as over eager isn't really about how long you wait to call, it's more about the content of your messages. If you say something like want to come over or you are really hot than that will be construed as a booty call. However, if you suggest a romantic yet not overtly sexual activity than you will be seen as a suitor and woman love that. What woman would turn down a date to paddle around the lake in central park? Yours,
Elyse
I met this girl and she was oh so fine. We had a great conversation and ended up realizing that we have several interests and values in common. She even asked about my family. This was Friday night. I really want to see her again. Do you think that I should wait till Tuesday before I email her?
Yours,
Hiding being Hot for Her
Dear Hiding Being Hot for Her,
Please know that if you really like a girl and feel that she likes you, it is better to call sooner than later as then you will be putting her out of her agony. Do you think any girl likes waiting by the phone for you to call? Also it sounds like you are concerned about coming across as too eager to get in her pants. Whether or not girls perceive you as a pervert or as over eager isn't really about how long you wait to call, it's more about the content of your messages. If you say something like want to come over or you are really hot than that will be construed as a booty call. However, if you suggest a romantic yet not overtly sexual activity than you will be seen as a suitor and woman love that. What woman would turn down a date to paddle around the lake in central park? Yours,
Elyse
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Hiding boyfriends from mom
Dear Elyse,
My mom is super- picky. She subscribes to the mantra, no guy is good enough for my daughter. I'm not sure what to do if I have a guy that is important to me. Should I introduce her to a boyfriend?
Yours,
Hiding boyfriends from mom.
Dear Hiding boyfriends from mom,
Here are some suggestions to deal with your overly protective, inspector general mom. First, do not introduce any boyfriends to your mom until you are 30. Then, when you are 30, she will be so relieved that you finally have a boyfriend that she'll accept just about anyone. Second, if you think there is something your mom won't like about your boyfriend tell your mom oh mom by the way I have a boyfriend and he is HIV positive, a drug addict, a player, a convicted felon, and a minor. And then tell her oh by the way, I'm just kidding- but he is ... and then add in the part that she might not like about him. Ok now for the serious advice. It sounds as though you are conflicted. You want your mother to approve of your choices because after all she is your mom. But you also want to live your life and be happy. And we are entitled to like what we like regardless of what our mothers have in mind for us. The best way to get your mother to like your boyfriend is to tell her how nice your boyfriend is to you. mention all the thoughtful things he does for you. What mother would not want her daughter with a thoughtful, kind guy who adores her daughter?
Yours,
Elyse.
My mom is super- picky. She subscribes to the mantra, no guy is good enough for my daughter. I'm not sure what to do if I have a guy that is important to me. Should I introduce her to a boyfriend?
Yours,
Hiding boyfriends from mom.
Dear Hiding boyfriends from mom,
Here are some suggestions to deal with your overly protective, inspector general mom. First, do not introduce any boyfriends to your mom until you are 30. Then, when you are 30, she will be so relieved that you finally have a boyfriend that she'll accept just about anyone. Second, if you think there is something your mom won't like about your boyfriend tell your mom oh mom by the way I have a boyfriend and he is HIV positive, a drug addict, a player, a convicted felon, and a minor. And then tell her oh by the way, I'm just kidding- but he is ... and then add in the part that she might not like about him. Ok now for the serious advice. It sounds as though you are conflicted. You want your mother to approve of your choices because after all she is your mom. But you also want to live your life and be happy. And we are entitled to like what we like regardless of what our mothers have in mind for us. The best way to get your mother to like your boyfriend is to tell her how nice your boyfriend is to you. mention all the thoughtful things he does for you. What mother would not want her daughter with a thoughtful, kind guy who adores her daughter?
Yours,
Elyse.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
When am I in a relationship?
Dear Elyse,
I'm a single girl who dates a lot. I'll go to with a guy a few times, maybe even bed the guy. In fact, I might even ( gulp) go shopping with the guy. We'll have deep conversations sometimes. Yet, I never know when I'm in a relationship with the guy. Are there some clues/ signs that we have finally crossed the threshold and are in a relationship?
Yours Truly When oh When.
Dear When oh When,
You see, a guy usually brings out a promise ring and a boyfriend/ girlfriend bracelet for you on a tray and says a poem declaring his desire to be your boyfriend. So .. I guess you haven't had any boyfriends. Just kidding. Gone are the days of formal declarations of being a boyfriend and girlfriend entity. However, there are different clues that you are probably in a relationship. (1) The guy takes you to public places rather than just shagging you at his house and then leaving. He also offers you public affection.(2) The guy introduces you to his friends and his family as his girlfriend. (3) The guy shows that he cares for you by asking about your stuff not just mentioning his stuff and going to batt for you when it really counts. (4) The guy works to resolve difficulties between the two of you rather than just ditch you the moment things go sour. (5) You guys have inside jokes and pet names for each other. These are telltale signs that a guy sees you as a significant other not a just an easy lay. Most guys tell me that if a girl asks him, "Where is this going?" It ruins the thrill of the chase. However, if after a certain amount of time ( 6 months- year) you still are uncertain what a guy thinks of you, you might want to bring it up subtly. Like , "If someone ever asked you if you had a girlfriend what would you say?" Most importantly, if you are sexually involved with someone it is important to protect yourself and ask them if they are monogamous. Good luck in your detective work. And again, this is just my opinion.
Yours,
Elyse.
I'm a single girl who dates a lot. I'll go to with a guy a few times, maybe even bed the guy. In fact, I might even ( gulp) go shopping with the guy. We'll have deep conversations sometimes. Yet, I never know when I'm in a relationship with the guy. Are there some clues/ signs that we have finally crossed the threshold and are in a relationship?
Yours Truly When oh When.
Dear When oh When,
You see, a guy usually brings out a promise ring and a boyfriend/ girlfriend bracelet for you on a tray and says a poem declaring his desire to be your boyfriend. So .. I guess you haven't had any boyfriends. Just kidding. Gone are the days of formal declarations of being a boyfriend and girlfriend entity. However, there are different clues that you are probably in a relationship. (1) The guy takes you to public places rather than just shagging you at his house and then leaving. He also offers you public affection.(2) The guy introduces you to his friends and his family as his girlfriend. (3) The guy shows that he cares for you by asking about your stuff not just mentioning his stuff and going to batt for you when it really counts. (4) The guy works to resolve difficulties between the two of you rather than just ditch you the moment things go sour. (5) You guys have inside jokes and pet names for each other. These are telltale signs that a guy sees you as a significant other not a just an easy lay. Most guys tell me that if a girl asks him, "Where is this going?" It ruins the thrill of the chase. However, if after a certain amount of time ( 6 months- year) you still are uncertain what a guy thinks of you, you might want to bring it up subtly. Like , "If someone ever asked you if you had a girlfriend what would you say?" Most importantly, if you are sexually involved with someone it is important to protect yourself and ask them if they are monogamous. Good luck in your detective work. And again, this is just my opinion.
Yours,
Elyse.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Humor needed
I go up to a man and a woman and start talking to them. Then I say, "So are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend, married, or what?:. He replies, "I don't know. After today's fight, she might be throwing me out on to the street." She says,, "Oh shut up." I say, " You guys sound like a married couple. So let me make this simple for you. If an attractive girl like myself invited you for a quickie, no strings attached, would you accept?" He says, " No." I say, "So you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend." She says, " He's joshing you."
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Still single and 30
Dear Elyse,
I'm almost thirty years old and I have only been in one romantic relationship that was during my freshman year of college. That relationship ended badly, the guy was cheating on me the whole time and I gave up my group of friends to spend time with him. He also insisted that I only spend time with him and didn't want to meet my friends. After my college relationship, I met a guy that I thought truly loved me. We had been friends first and I thought that was a good sign. I lost weight for him an also moved to another city because he told me that he loved me but that he wouldn't date anyone who lived outside his city. We ended up sleeping together but never officially being boyfriend and girlfriend. He always insisted that I keep our coital affairs a secret. Then I found out he had a girlfriend, who started stalking me and constantly IMing me. Almost 7 years later, I've yet to even come close to having a boyfriend and at this point I feel hopeless. Is there something wrong with me? Please help. I don't want to be one of those crazy cat ladies who buys vests and charm bracelets for canines instead of lovers.
Yours,
Hopelessly Devoted
Dear Hopelessly Devoted,
Sorry for all of the grief you have endured from your men. Also, please realize that there is nothing wrong with you just because you've only had one romantic relationship and you are almost 30. People change so much in their twenties and early thirties that most people aren't going to stay with the people they date in those formative years. Now, here are my insights.And please remember that it is just my opinion. Here is the common denominator in both of your predicaments: you. You did everything you could to meet the demands of these men. And a result you neglected to think about yourself. Then, the men disappointed you by not rewarding you for your efforts to please them in the way you thought they would reward you and your needs were not met. You deprived yourself of food and most importantly: friends. In addition, men find it sexy when a girl takes care of herself. Conversely, when a girl allows a guy to own her she demonstrates that she has no self confidence or worth which guys find totally appalling. So next time you meet a guy you like, make sure you make the relationship about you. Think about what you want from the guy and find a way to communicate that to him while also being caring and loving to him.
Yours,
Elyse
I'm almost thirty years old and I have only been in one romantic relationship that was during my freshman year of college. That relationship ended badly, the guy was cheating on me the whole time and I gave up my group of friends to spend time with him. He also insisted that I only spend time with him and didn't want to meet my friends. After my college relationship, I met a guy that I thought truly loved me. We had been friends first and I thought that was a good sign. I lost weight for him an also moved to another city because he told me that he loved me but that he wouldn't date anyone who lived outside his city. We ended up sleeping together but never officially being boyfriend and girlfriend. He always insisted that I keep our coital affairs a secret. Then I found out he had a girlfriend, who started stalking me and constantly IMing me. Almost 7 years later, I've yet to even come close to having a boyfriend and at this point I feel hopeless. Is there something wrong with me? Please help. I don't want to be one of those crazy cat ladies who buys vests and charm bracelets for canines instead of lovers.
Yours,
Hopelessly Devoted
Dear Hopelessly Devoted,
Sorry for all of the grief you have endured from your men. Also, please realize that there is nothing wrong with you just because you've only had one romantic relationship and you are almost 30. People change so much in their twenties and early thirties that most people aren't going to stay with the people they date in those formative years. Now, here are my insights.And please remember that it is just my opinion. Here is the common denominator in both of your predicaments: you. You did everything you could to meet the demands of these men. And a result you neglected to think about yourself. Then, the men disappointed you by not rewarding you for your efforts to please them in the way you thought they would reward you and your needs were not met. You deprived yourself of food and most importantly: friends. In addition, men find it sexy when a girl takes care of herself. Conversely, when a girl allows a guy to own her she demonstrates that she has no self confidence or worth which guys find totally appalling. So next time you meet a guy you like, make sure you make the relationship about you. Think about what you want from the guy and find a way to communicate that to him while also being caring and loving to him.
Yours,
Elyse
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Give a guy a gift
Dear Elyse,
I've been told never to give a guy a gift. I'm wondering about the wisdom behind this mantra. Any ideas why it could be detrimental to a relationship to give a guy a gift?
I've been thinking about the question of getting a man a gift and some very thoughtful friends have provided some interesting insights as to why it might not be circumspect. (1) That a gift might signify that you expect a gift in return. (2) If you give a guy one gift, you have to then give a guy multiple gifts. But it is not ... (3) If you give a guy gift you are showing emotions. If you and a guy are in some sort of a relationship, what is wrong with showing you care for him? Who doesn't like being attended to? Albeit that, make sure the gift is personal and thoughtful not some generic over priced polo that clashes with his complexion.
Also, try to have a reason to give the gift such as a holiday o you now he's been having a tough week and you wanted to cheer him up. Random gift droppings are a little strange.The best gift is cookies or any food. Males have an appetite. Who is going to say no to food. Worst gift a book on better sex. No male wants o hear that their sexual moves need work.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Dear Elyse,
I see all those common phrases on dating websites like match, jdate, etc. Family- oriented, love long walks on the beach, like to stay in and watch movies, want someone who has a history of prior relationships, love watching sports, done with the head games at bars . And I'm simply puzzled. What do all of these phrases really mean? They are so vague. Thanks for your insight.
Confused Online Dater
Dear Confused Online Dater,
First of all,congratulations on being willing to put yourself out there and find love! Love is like the lottery you can't win it if you aren't in it! If you are seriously trying to meet someone thru a dating site, I would encourage you to arrange a meet up quickly in a public place to avoid perpetual emailers who are really grandpas living 500 miles away from you. Now here is a brief online dating dictionary. Remember this is just my opinion.
Long walks on the beach: doesn't like to spend money on a real date.
Likes watching sports: a man's man.
Likes watching movies: has one thing on his mind and we know what that one thing is.
Family-oriented: wants to get married really fast.
Wants someone with a history long-lasting relationships: has baggage.
Athletic: rough and tough in the sack.
Career oriented: works a lot, enjoy your freedom with this one.
Creative career: unemployed.
Tired of the bar scene and the head games: hasn't had any luck with women because he is a social klutz.
Fashion savvy: gay.
Likes going to museums: pseudo intellectual.
Likes wine: alcoholic.
And finally the real kicker. Likes the finer things in life: stupid. Really? Becase the rest of us like crap.
Remember this is just my opinion. When looking for a guy, I would encourage you to ask questions if you need clarification and also look for someone who has similar values, ethics, and humor to you rather than someone who has similar interests. Similar interests is just a bonus.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Dear Elyse,
I'm not sure what to make of this situation. I was first emailing and IMing back and fourth with this amazing guy. It felt like we were so connected and he was the guy I had been waiting for all my life. Unlike other guys, he was quick to declare his love and affection for me. We finally went on a date and he confessed that he was crazy about me. After that we were inseparable. Every night I either stayed at his place or he stayed at my place and we made holiday plans to meet the families. He was so refreshing from the other guys who took years to do what he did. Then a week or so ago, he just stopped called, emailing or IMing me. I've tried to contact him but he doesn't respond. What happened?
Yours truly,
Shell- Shocked.
Dear Shell Shocked,
First of all I would like to commend you for being ready to welcome love into your life. It takes a lot of courage to allow this thing called love to work. Also, I'm sorry for your loss, it really sounds like you had high hopes for this guy. Now here is the 411 on guys that I'll call Whimsical Guys. There are guys who constantly are jumping into many new arenas whether it be a project, a relationship, a trip,etc. These guys like to believe that every element of life has potential for being the next best thing. Unfortunately, they constantly change their mind about what is the next best thing. In essence, your guy picked you and really did believe that you were The One but then suddenly something ticked in his mind and he changed his opinion. Here are some clear signs of Whimsical Guys for future reference.
(1) They are very quick to declare their love and affection for you but they don't have clear or explicable reasons why they feel so in love with you. Clear and explicable reasons could include a love for your humor, a love for how you are so caring, etc. Instead they make vague statements like I'm crazy about you or you are so hot, you are one of the coolest girls I've ever met without any evidence backing up these statements.
(2) They send you many emails a day and are on rapid response mode yet the emails contain mostly content about themselves or vague statements abut you yet the emails don't ever seem to ask probing questions about your life or reveal the guys deepest feelings.
(3) The guys are eager to make plans with you yet sometimes they might not follow through with the plans.
Hope this helps and that you either work things out with this guy or find another guy that you love. You are fabulous.
Elyse
Friday, August 24, 2012
Dear Elyse,
I am an accomplished, very attractive female. I'm very outgoing and caring but fellow females don't seem to realize this about me. I constantly see girls giving me dirty looks even when they don't know me and they always exclude me. I think they are blaming me for being attractive. What should I do to get them to realize that I'm not vicious just because I'm hot?
Sincerely Hot but Sweet
My answer to this advice column:
Dear Hot and Sweet,
Women can be hostile to uber attractive females like yourself ( trust me I know I'm 5'9" a size 2 and have DD cups. And by the way, congrats. Embrace your hotness. The core reason women are hostile to UAs is that they fear you will steal their husband, boyfriend or crush. The best way to convert adversaries into allies is to humanize yourself. Let them know that even though you have gorgeous locks sometimes your hair has a mind of its own and looks like a frizz bomb. Or that even though you have endless legs sometimes you trip over your own feet. By humanizing yourself it will make you easy to relate to and less threatening. They'll know that you understand them, love them and aren't out to steal their main man/ love of their life.
recently started seeing a guy who I’m wild about. He’s everything I’ve always wanted: sexy, young, brilliant, spirited, caring and more. The first time we had sex, he used a condom. However, this time, I noticed that he didn’t use a condom. I’m wondering what that means in terms of the status of our relationship? Does it mean we are monogamous? I don’t usually require monogamy for sex but I’m quite intrigued with this man and wonder what that means? He doesn’t seem like a sloppy kind of guy who would just forget to use one.
Yours Truly,
Condomless
Here is my response to the advice column. Dear Condomless,
Here are some reasons he didn't use a condom.
(1) He feels awkward using condoms and thinks he can't reach orgasm if he doesn't use a condom.
(2) He can't afford to buy a condom-which seems unlikely.
(3) He figures you are too old to get pregnant.
(4) He figures using a condom makes love making less spontaneous and he loves that spontaneity.
(5) He sees you as a clean cut woman and figures he can't get an STD.
Either way- this is just my opinion and if this guy matters to you and you are curious about where you stand with him- you should ask him.
Dear Elyse,
I'm living in NYC and my girlfriend lives in Texas. I go out a lot because of my job at the W Hotel and because I'm an actor and looking to network. My girlfriend is getting on to me about this and wants me to stop. She's the opposite of me a real homebody- who owns her own business. I'm also her first real relationship and she's 38. What should I do? I want to keep her but I also want to continue with my active social life? She's threatening to move up here and I"m dreading the day.
Scared Boyfriend
Dear Scared Boyfriend,
It sounds like you really value your time to yourself and being your own person apart from your girlfriend. Congratulations! Bravo! You need to address your need to have a balance of time with your girlfriend and time yourself with you girlfriend. You need to frame it in such a way that your girlfriend sees how it will benefit her and the relationship. Good luck!
Elyse Bradshaw Seinfeld
Dear Elyse,
I'm dating a guy and I really like him. I had really high hopes for us until we kissed. He was the worst kisser- he stuck his tongue down my throat as far as my esophagus and bit me. Otherwise, i'm crazy about him. Should I give about on yucky kisser boy.
Yours,
Disgusted.
Dear Disgusted,
This advice may sound radical. I am urging you to discuss your kissing preferences with your hottie. Despite rumors and myths, men aren't mind readers and they don't often know when you are appalled by something. Of course , do it tactfully. You can even make it into a game called lets kiss and show. Be very specific on what you like in a kiss. A guy will actually respect a woman more if she shows that she cares about herself. Good luck with your dream -1 man. And remember no guy can meet every item on our check list.
Elyse
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