A link to my third column in www.longisland.com
http://www.longisland.com/news/05-15-13/how-to-avoid-feeling-inferior-to-others.html

Single in the suburbs

My second column in Longisland.com.


http://www.longisland.com/news/05-07-13/ask-me-elyse-single-with-few-dating-options.html

Dear Elyse,
I just got engaged and my fiancee did a prenup. Included in the prenup were not only monetary matters but strict conditions about my behavior and appearance. I have to stay under a certain weight at all times, agree to have sex with my fiancé 5 times a week, agree to cook meals a certain way, agree to give him massages- the list goes on. I was quite alarmed but he doesn't seem to think that this is a big deal.
Yours,
Demanding Prenup

Dear Demanding Prenup,
I hope that you get to make some demands of your own if he is going to place demands on you. While I do think that it is important to manage your expectations of your partner, I think that needs can change and expectations must be fluid. I think there are some good ideas in this prenup about spending time together, giving massages, and sexual activity, but I think that these needs should be discussed regularly rather than etched in stone. Refuse to sign the prenup and tell your partner your always happy to discuss needs on a regular basis.
Yours,
Elyse

Dear Elyse,
My friend is dating a guy who I've always had reservations about for her. He's temperamental and tends to blame her for things that aren't her fault. Recently, I found an article in the local paper that stated that he had been arrested on petty larceny. How do I tell her without coming across as a know-it-all bitch?
Yours,
Friend Dating a Thief

Dear Friend Dating a Thief,
It sounds like you are concerned for your friend's welfare, which is very noble of you. Your intuition that your friend may interpret your action as malicious or even jealous is unfortunately also correct. However, you will be kicking yourself if he steals her iPhone or even her car and she's having a meltdown. So, I would simply paste the article into the body of an email and pass it on her. Just present it as clear, plain facts and tell her that it's her choice how to act on the info and you respect whatever choice she makes.
Good luck!
Yours,
Elyse

Dear Elyse,
Like OMG, I don't know what I'm going to do. My friend and I have a habit of text gossiping about this one friend or maybe acquaintance that we poke fun at! I left my phone laying around and now she is pissed about some things we said about her. What should I do?
Yours,
Caught Text Gossiping

Dear Caught Text Gossiping,
First of all, shame on your friend. Uh-hum- she went through your private property! All she really had to do was hand over the phone to you! You know the saying that curiosity killed the cat. Well this applies here. That said, she now knows that you gossip about her! If she does ask you if all the nasty ( I'm assuming) things you said about her are true, simply tell her yes, you bet. If you are willing to say it to her face, that doesn't make you a gossip. of course, she might not want to be your friend anymore but who cares? Clearly, she didn't mean that much to you if all you did was gossip about her, right?

Yours,
Elyse

Dating the mentally ill

Dear Elyse,
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He has always gone through odd patches where he acts differently, erratically. Sometimes he gets very paranoid that the world is out to kill him and other times he hears voices in his head and sees things that aren't there. I always suspected that he had some kind of mental disorder but i didn't want to say anything. He was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia but refuses to take his medication. I really think the meds could help him and its challenging to be around him when he is in his moods. Leave him or not?
Yours
Dating a Schizoid

Dear Dating a Schizoid,
It is understandable that you are concerned about your boyfriend's well being. It sounds like you want the best for him. I would encourage you to learn more about his illness. You can consult with a psychiatrist, read literature. There may even be support groups for partners of the mentally ill. I urge you to consult other resources as I am not an expert on this. In addition, I urge you think about what is best for you. If your boyfriend's illness and his neglecting to take his medication ultimately brings you down and negatively impacts your life, I urge you think about whether or not you want the relationship.
Yours,
Elyse

What are you looking for?

Dear Elyse,
I constantly go on dates with hotties and the guys always ask me what I'm looking for in a relationship. I'm never sure what I should tell them. I don't want to ask for too much for fear that it will scare them off. Help!
Yours,
Answerless on dates

Dear Answerless on dates,
I'm surprised that this is so difficult. Here's the simple answer- you should ask for exactly what you are looking for. Why would you ask for something that won't suit you? If the person says that they can't give you what yoga re looking for you can then decide if you are willing to compromise or you can move on ! People will ultimately respect you more for your honesty and have faith: eventually you will find someone who is able to give you what you desire.
Elyse

Sweet but shy

Dear Elyse,
I'm very shy and have a difficult time meeting men. I'm often at a loss for what to say when trying to maintain a conversation with guys. Often, I end up freaking out and running away from guys who are probably perfectly nice. I really want to meet someone. What do I do?
Yours,
Shy but Sweet

Dear Shy but Sweet,
First, I would try and arrange to meet guys and do activities with them. That way you are distracted by the activity and don't necessarily need to talk to them that much. In addition, let them do the talking. Ask them questions about themselves. Also- I would suggest that you take an Improv Comedy Class. That can help you become more comfortable interacting with strangers.
Yours,
Elyse

Honest is the best policy

Dear Elyse,
I'm currently married for the second time. My wife doesn't want our children to know that I have a child from my first marriage. I think that it is best to be honest with our kids. What is the best policy? How do I convince my wife that it is best for us to be honest with our kids?
Yours,
Honesty is Best

Dear Honesty is Best,
I concur that it is best to be honest with your kids. I think it would be quite disturbing for your kids to find out that they have a half brother/sister when they are twenty-one. I don't believe you can ever force someone to do something. However, I would try to assess where our wife's reservations to introduce your biological child stem from? Is it because she doesn't want you to have contact with your ex wife? Does she not want the kids to hear about divorce? Perhaps you should convince her that there is a way to present the idea of divorce to the kids in a child-centered, loving way.
Yours,
Elyse

Ashamed

Dear Elyse,
I'm currently dating someone who doesn't come from the same socioeconomic group as I do. My family is upper middle class while he is working class When we are together as a couple or with our group of friends it doesn't matter but I'm worried about him meeting my family. What will they think of such a person?
Yours,
Ashamed

Dear Ashamed,
Shame on you! What makes you think that your family will judge him? Your doubts show that you have no faith in your family to be accepting and no faith in your significant other's ability to make a good impression on your family with all of the qualities that you have come to love about him. Get over yourself.
Yours,
Elyse

Long Distance Quandary

Dear Elyse,
My current boyfriend lives 200 miles away from me and we see each other 2 times a month. We have been dating for about 2 months. We met at a convention. Being away from him so often is a constant source of anxiety; I'm scared that he is cheating on me. I'm even contemplating moving .
Yours,
Long Distance Quandary

Dear Long Distance Quandary,
Here is your plan of attack. Install a hidden camera in your sweetie's palace to detect if he is cheating on you . Additionally, I would recommend that you call every girl listed in his cell phone and threaten them. NOT! Given that you only see each other twice a month and you have only been dating for 2 months, I don't think you have reached the point in time when you should consider exclusivity. You need to get to know each other more. Continue to visit your hottie but also continue to attend to yourself and your own needs:girlfriends, hobbies, and your job. Revisit the question of loyalty in another month or so. Do not move! Why would you ditch every support network you have built up just for a guy? Plus, the fact that you are anxious about whether or not he is loyal to you demonstrates to me that you aren't so sure about him.
Yours,
Elyse

Can't be nude!

Dear Elyse,
I'm a very shy person. I'm especially self conscious about my body. I recently started dating an art student who goes to parties where everyone is nude. He would like me to accompany him to the parties but I just can't bring myself to do it.
Yours,
Can't be Nude.

Dear Can't be Nude,
First of all, I would like to commend you for admitting that you are self conscious. One of the underlying reasons that we are self conscious about our body is that we tend to examine our body for flaws and become terrified that others will notice the flaws and judge. Realize that other people do not notice as much about us as we do about ourselves because they too are transfixed with their own flaws. In addition, seeing other people nude will help you realize that almost everybody has irregularities about their body. Some people will even find the so called "flaws" endearing. I would ease yourself into the nude parties by attending one of the nude parties with the caveat that you will leave after about an half an hour. Each time you attend, increase the time you are there. Also have a safety net where you can telephone a friend or relative fi you start to feel anxious or uncomfortable.
Yours,
Elyse

What about me?

Dear Elyse,
I'm 44 years old and single. Most of the men that fall into my age bracket are divorced with kids. I find that the kids often impinge on our time together and crowd the apartment. What about me? Where do I fit in?
Yours,
What About Me

Dear What About Me,
Maybe there is a reason you are still single. Grow up and realize that when you are in a relationship with someone you aren't the only person in your significant other's life. A man's children are a permanent part of his life, he has an immutable bond to his children while you might only be a presence in his life for maybe 2 months. If you want to snag this guy, I would suggest that you honor his commitment to the kids and realize that his dedication to his kids is a marker of good character. Think of how many scumbags don't even acknowledge their children. In addition, realize that there are many positives to dating a guy with kids. Men with kids tend to be sensitive to emotions, aren't likely to fret if you spill something or are messy, and are reinvigorated by their kids. In addition, the time that he spends with his kids affords you the option to go out with your girl friends ( think of how many people in relationships wish they had that luxury). So try and appreciate the time you have alone and also show an interest in his kids as that will go a long way. Good luck!
Yours,
Elyse

Engaged and enraged

Dear Elyse,
I just got engaged and am fully immersed in wedding planning. I just found out that my fiancé hired a stripper for the bachelor party! I am livid and appalled by this. What should I do?
Yours,
Engaged and Enraged

Dear Engaged and Enraged,
Congratulations on your engagement! Let's get the facts straight- your fiancé committed to you for a lifetime and the stripper for one night. So it's obvious where his loyalties lie. In addition the fact that your husband wants to hire a stripper shows that he still has a sexual appetite which is more than you can say about some men. Use the stripper/jealousy angle to spice up your relationship and act out fantasies. And trust me-the night with the stripper means nothing to him or the stripper. Allowing him to have a stripper at the bachelor party demonstrates your resolve, strength, and self esteem.
Yours,
Elyse

Opinionated Friend

Dear Elyse,
I have a friend who has the habit of always interjecting her opinion and advice into conversation. Sometimes she even preaches about subjects which she has no expertise. When I try to change the subject, she can't take the hint and keeps chattering on. Whenever I disagree with her, she responds with such disdain that is nauseates me. I don't want to ruin our friendship but ...
Yours,
Suffering through an opinionated friend

Dear Suffering through an opinionated friend,
My suggestion is so simple; you'll be shocked when you hear it. Agree with her. Every time she makes a suggestion, even if it is something you detest just agree with her. Be a broken record. Echo the sentiment, you are probably right, anytime she utters advice. Even pepper your responses with , I'll try it, I'll take that under advisement. Your friend will loose her mojo when she sees that she doesn't have any opposition. Opinionated people like her crave reactions. Good luck!
Yours,
Elyse

Defamed on Facebook

Dear Elyse,
My girlfriend has the annoying habit of posting about our fights on Facebook. She encourages her friends to comment on the fights. I am often shocked to see her comments as I had no idea about her litany of complaints. I am uncomfortable with so many people seeing me as the bad guy. How can I put a stop to this?
Yours,
Defamed on Facebook

Dear Defamed on Facebook,
First of all, let me express my empathy for your situation. It is never pleasant to be humiliated in front of a wide audience like Facebook. I presume you are a Facebook user yourself. Which means that you have the ability to defend yourself when your girlfriend attacks you. Stop being a wimp and reply to her judgmental comments, let her know that you aren't going to be slandered without a fight.
It may be that your girlfriend is someone who takes pleasure in exposing other people's flaws. Another possibility is that she feels uncomfortable telling you directly about any beef she has with you. Try to look for subtle clues that your girlfriend is trying to bring up misgivings. Some cues include saying "fine" in an indignant tone, stomping off after an encounter ends, rolling her eyes, and such. Instead of saying is anything wrong, try to approach her in a more open ended manner by saying phrases like, "Tell me about your day or tell me about what is bothering you." Good luck!
Yours,
Elyse

Break up dos and don't s

Dear Elyse,
I'm currently dating someone and it isn't going well. He adores me and thinks that the relationship is perfect. I'd like to break up with him but the task of ending the relationship is harrowing. How should I approach it?
Yours,
Not Knowing How to Break up

Dear Not Knowing How to Break up,
First we'll start of with some ways not to break up.
(1) Change your Facebook status to in a relationship with a different person or single and hope that he'll get the hint.
(2) Send him a text that it is over or better yet have another guy send him a text that it is over.
(3) Stop returning his calls, emails and texts and eventually hope that he gets the hint.
(4) Arrange for a mutual friend to let it slip causally that you have a new boyfriend.
Just for the record these were tactics used by people who shall remain nameless.
Now for the ways that are less shell-shocking and heartless.
(1) Treat him to a dinner at a plush restaurant. Explain to him that you find him to be a very nice man with so many outstanding qualities ( up to you to determine what these qualities are). Tell him that you are sure he will make a good partner to someone one of these days. Now ... drumroll ... how come you aren't going to remain his partner? It is up to you which exit strategy you choose to employ. Here are a few suggestions. (1) You have discovered you are a lesbian. (2) You have determined that you would rather focus on yourself and improving yourself rather than be in a relationship. (3) You are going to be traveling abroad or accepting a new job that demands all of your time and can't possible be the awesome partner that he rightfully deserves.
It is most important that you honor him for everything he is and has done for you in the relationship before telling him that it is over. This will lessen the effect of the crushing news that you are about to deliver to him. Good luck!
Yours,
Elyse

Dear Elyse,
I currently work full time in a corporate setting-3 days a week in the office and two days a week from home- and my husband is a stay at home dad for our school aged daughters. I'm looking to transfer to a job that offers more security but will require me to work all 5 days in the office. In addition, my husband has just confessed to me that he is extremely dissatisfied with his life and is looking to accept a full time job. Please help!
Yours,
Pulled in all directions

Dear Pulled in all directions,
You did say school- aged right? Which means that for the majority of the day your kids are accounted for by our esteemed school system. I would suggest having a trial period where you accept the 5 day a week job and your husband accepts the full time job. See if on every day of the week you or your husband can be home by 6 so you only need about 3 hours of either childcare of activities for your children. This may be a positive change for your children as it will force them to develop independence and learn to adjust to many different kinds of people. Also you and your husband are likely to be happier if you have a more secure job and your husband is more fulfilled. Your kids will relate to you better if they say you in a more positive state.
Yours,
Elyse

Dear Elyse,
After the Hurricane, I contracted a friend to do some repairs on my house. He gave me a quote and then did some work. It took him far more time to do the work then I anticipated. Then he gave me a bill that was for more than what he quoted. What should I do now?
Yours,
Surprise Bill

Dear Surprise Bill,
Yikes! No one wants a surprise bill especially if its much more expensive than we anticipated. You shouldn't treat this situation any differently than if it were a random stranger who gave you a surprise bill. Make the money sucker justify such an increase. Remind them that they quoted you a lower number and ask them what factors contributed to the raise in price. Be careful to make sure that your tone is just an inquiring one not an accusatory one as a friend is more likely to take it personally if you accuse them of fraud. If you find it difficult to confront them, then send them a letter or an email.
Yours,
Elyse

Free access to hot dates

Dear Elyse,
I work as a recruiter. Sometimes, I look at the resumes on file and think that applicants would make a great mate. Is it ok for me to contact them for a date?
Yours,
Have My Hands on Hot Dates

Dear Have My Hands on Hot Dates,
Sure- give all these random hotties a call. In fact, bombard them with daily emails of pictures of yourself, and even stop by their house with flowers. Okay, I hope you have enough intelligence not to take this advice seriously. No, it is not advisable to pursue these people on a date. Would you like it if you signed up a newsletter on pet advice and then received a credit card? This is a similar scenario. These recruits didn't sign up to find a soulmate, they signed up to find a job. You don't even know if they are single. And by the way-what about their resume makes you think that they would be a good mate? I didn't realize that a degree from x university or a certificate in x skill makes for a soulmate. Nothing in a resume hints at someone's inner traits which is what we should be looking for in a mate.

However, if you are so inclined to use your job for locating suitable dates, you can under these circumstances. If you interview someone for a job because you intended to interview them ( they were suitable for the position you were recruiting for), you may pursue them after they have been placed in a job. Otherwise, it will look like there was favoritism involved and you may loose your position. And then you may end up dateless and jobless. Good luck with your search for a date.
Yours,
Elyse.

Sexless

This quote was sent in from one of our readers. Let's keep the letters coming!
Dear Elyse,
I am with a 22 year old and my gf is 18. She refuses to have sex with me When I try to put it in, she freaks out. What can I do to get her to have sex with me?
Yours,
Dying sexless

Dear Dying Sexless,
You have a couple of options. One you can hypnotize your girlfriend into having sex with you. You can also sedate her and then have sex with her. Of course, if you want the relationship to continue I wouldn't recommend these tactics. Instead, i recommend asking your girlfriend how the first time having sex would be comfortable. I would also tell her about rewarding sex can be!
Yours,
Elyse

Clueless Boyfriend

Dear Elyse,
My boyfriend refuses to buy condoms. He says they are too expensive. I don't have health insurance so I can't get birth control pills. My boyfriend says that if we both orgasm then I can't become pregnant. Please help!!!
Yours,
Bound to become pregnant against my own will.

Dear Bound to become pregnant,
I had to read your letter twice because I was in such shock. Your boyfriend thinks condoms are too expensive? Has he considered the cost of raising a child? Also the idea that if both of you orgasm-you can't get pregnant is more ridiculous than the flakiest of all old wives tales. I think that your boyfriend is trying to knock you up so that he can tie you down or have an excuse to boot! I suggest that you find a child and bring the child everywhere you go with your boyfriend to demonstrate the difficulty of raising a child. Purposely pick an obstreperous and testy child.
Yours,
Elyse

Conned by internet date

Dear Elyse,
I started dating a guy I met over the internet. I found out that he lied about his name, his age, and his job. I feel like a fool! He apologized and gave me his true statistics and bought me a scrumptious dinner. Should I give him a second chance?
Yours,
Conned by e-dating

Dear Conned by e-dating,
This is one instance where I feel very strongly about the issue. You should not give him a second chance. Why do people feel the need to lie? Because they are playing games with you. They are testing how much they can get away with. Why not let him lie about where is taking you for dessert and perhaps you'll find yourself in a ditch or being sold into slavery? Game gets game and real gets real. If you continue to see him , you'll show him that you aren't ready to receive the real him and are satisfied with games. Then, the best your relationship will be is a series of head games. Trust me. Find yourself a real guy.
Yours,
Elyse

Wealthy Scrouge or not?

Dear Elyse,
I am dating a guy who appears to be wealthy. He wears expensive makes of clothes and shoes and when speaking to him it is apparent that he has knowledge of the culture of the upper crust. He always mentions that he has been to all of these restaurants and vacation spots that only people with money go to. The first two times he paid for the date, but then the next two times he said he didn't have cash and needed me to treat. What the h*ll is going on? How could someone of this distinction not have money for dinner? Please explain?
Yours,
Wealthy Scrouge or not?

Dear Wealthy Scrouge or not,
Keep in mind that nothing I say is definite. It's just a hypothesis. I'd venture to say that you are dating a gigolo. A gigolo is someone who is funded by wealthy women in exchange for various favors ranging from simple errands to companion to sexual partner. Gigolos are set up in apartments, provided with clothes that are acceptable in the wealthy strata and generally appear to be wealthy but don't actually have much cash at hand. If you are prepared to help someone out, then go for it. Gigolos' generally are well trained in how to act and be companions as they need to be for survival. However, they aren't necessarily commitment oriented. Good luck! I will be doing a feature on gigolos next week.
Yours,
Elyse

Stripper in disguise

Dear Elyse,
I currently work as a stripper and I'm looking to date but I'm not sure how to broach the subject regarding my line of work. I am positive that most men will not to date me once I find out.
Yours,
Stripper in Disguise

Dear Stripper in Disguise,
Don't assume that all guys will automatically reject you simply because you are a stripper. Some men may find it a turn on to date a stripper. After all as a stripper you must know a lot of tricks. And your job after all is only one aspect of your personality. Be honest with your date, after all if you tell one lie, you have to back it up with more lies. Tell him you have aspirations of something bigger but right now this is what pays the rent. And remember there are worse ways of earning your keep than stripping.
Yours,
Elyse

Older women, younger men

Dear Elyse,
I am 45 years old and single. I have a penchant for dating much younger men.[The last two long term relationships I had were with men nearly 20 years younger than me and the relationship before that was with a man 9 years younger than me. All of my girlfriends are urging me to try dating men closer to my age or older than me. Who should I date?
Yours,
Craddle Robber



Dear Craddle Robber,
First of all, I would like to commend you for being a pioneer and not being afraid of how others may judge you for your partners. Kudos! Ultimately, it is all about you satisfying your needs. There is no point in having a relationship if you don't gain anything from it. I can see why one might prefer younger men. Younger men are less set in their ways and aren't bogged down with baggage. They still operate in the "I'm up for anything mode." However, younger men are less likely to be financially stable and more likely to ultimately want kids say that its up to yo Instead of considering age consider finding someone who uplifts you, motivates you, and would take a bullet for you.If your friends pester you about your choice of a mate tell them gee would you rather me be with someone who just frustrated me and then have to serve as my therapist day in and day out?
Yours,
Elyse

Overly talkative mom

Dear Elyse, I recently started dating a guy that I'm crazy about and I see a future with him. I'd like him to meet my parents but my mom has the habit of divulging information she knows about people she's never met. Some people have been shocked that she knows so much about them. How can I stop my mom from saying too much? Yours , Mom with no filter

Dear Mom with no filter, I suppose you could wait until you have a ring on your finger or even better wait until your wedding night before you introduce your beau to your mom. Or ... You could always star the conversation back to your mom when she starts to ask your suitors questions. Bounce questions at your mom or talk about some new things in your life to minimize conversation. Also- so your mom is somewhat satisfied and learns a few tidbits about your boyfriend make sure you ask your boyfriend questions before your mom gets to him and make sure it is topics your boyfriend is comfortable talking about. Yours, Elyse

Can't stomach a compliment

Dear Elyse,
I always find myself flinching when guys I'm dating give me a compliment or are accepting of me! In fact - I start liking them less for this. Help! There must be something seriously wrong with me? What girl wouldn't want to receive compliments? Yours, Fleeing at the first sign of affection

Dear Fleeing at the first sign of affection,
Oh no! Perhaps you have horns growing on your head and that's why you can't stomach compliments! Just kidding ! Sometimes it is disconcerting to receive compliments from men. This feeling of uneasiness stems from deception and honesty. Part of it may be that you don't actually believe that what the guy is saying about you is true and worry that he may discover that you aren't the X great quality that he seems to think you are and then flee. You may also be concerned that the guy is telling you what you may want to hear just to get you into the sack. Try to assess which scenario applies. If it is the first scenario- I would just go with the flow and allow the compliments to keep coming. Remember we are our own worst critic! If you believe that the second scenario pertains to you, I would run for the hills! If he's telling you lies to get you into bed, you can hardly imagine what he'll do next. Besides, this isn't 1952, you don't really need to lie to get women to go bed with you anymore . Yours, Elyse

In need of a real date!

Dear Elyse,
I'm 24 years old and looking to date. The dating world these days seems so casual. Instead of inviting me on a proper date, guys just tell me that they are hanging out with a bunch of friends and I might want to stop by their crib. When I do stop by their crib, I might make it to a make out, and after a few hangouts we might go all the way. Call me old fashioned but I really would like a traditional date once in a while.
Yours, In need of a real date

Dear In need of a real date,
It sounds like you feel slighted that you aren't invited on a proper date by suitors. Well- get over it. In today's times, casual dating seems to be all the rage. And believe it or not there are some positives of casual dating. Casual dating allows you to get to know your crush in different contexts before deciding whether you want to pursue the relationshis. Witnessing how your guy interacts and treats his friends will shed light on his values, morals, and sense of humor. AFter you get to know your guy in casual encounters, then push for a date. But honey, you might need to step up to the plate. Instead of waiting for your potential mate to ask you on a date, think of something the two of you can do together and take the initiative. Get tickets to a basketball game or the newest movie. Then ask your friend if he would like to attend with you. If he says no - at least you know where you stand. And who is to say- from going on all those group encounters you may find some of his buds attractive. Remember don't do anything you'll regret later. Need I say more. Step it up, girl!
Yours, Elyse

Controlling boyfriend

Dear Elyse,
My boyfriend has always been controlling but tolerable. Recently he demanded that I get fatter and not see my friends. I do not want to obey him but I don't want him to hurt me either. Your thoughts please!
Yours,
Being Held Captive

Dear Being Held Captive,
Am I mistaken or do we live in America? In some countries in the Middle East men may have the purview to control your body and your actions but in America that concept doesn't apply. I'm wondering what sort of restrictions did you find tolerable? I believe your boyfriend is so insecure he cannot stomach you spending any time with someone besides him. He wants you to be fatter so that other men won't fancy you ( even though we know that some men prefer heavier women) and he also doesn't want you spending time with friends because he fears that your friends will try to "steal" you away from him. While it may seem flattering that someone wants to spend so much time with you and be your boyfriend, I urge you to run for the hills. If you acquiesce to his request to plump up and end contact with your friends who knows what else he will ask you to do. Maybe quit your job? Maybe cut off contact with your family? If you let him know that he can control you, the level of control he asserts over you will magnify. I suggest that you tell him that you like your body the way it is now and you enjoy spending time with your friends, if you aren't able to enjoy these pleasures you won't be able to give to him the amount of care he deserves. Tell him you need to be your true self in order to be with him. If he is unable to comprehend this concept, then I suggest ending the relationship. You WILL find someone who will respect and let you live your true life.
Yours,
Elyse

Receiver of friend's rejects

Dear Elyse,
My retched friend has the habit of passing her rejected leftovers to me. And no, I don't mean last night's pizza or baked ziti, I'm referring to guys that she'd like to toss out like an old sock. The guys she doesn't deem worthy of her time. Who does she think she is? What can I do to stop her? She acts like I should be grateful not annoyed about her gestures?
Yours,
Receiver of Rejects

Dear Receiver of Rejects,
Retched, indeed. Your friend has committed an act so vile, I'm not sure there is a punishment fit for her crime. By passing on her rejects to you, she is insulting you. She is conveying the message that she doesn't see you as her equal.Perhaps she is even afraid that you will out shine her and find a better mate then she does? Oh and then her poor ego will suffer. Who wants a friend like that? You definitely need to make your friend aware of the impact of her actions. I"m sure your friend loves going places to meet guys. From now on, only agree to go places with your friend that don't involve potential boyfriends. Go the most unsexy places that exist. How about bingo night? The fire department pancake breakfast? Yoga classes? Ballet classes? Knitting clubs? Need I say more. Eventually your friend may catch on and feel tortured. When she begs you to go on more testerone-filled excursions, explain to her that you will only go if she doesn't pass on her rejects to you. When she protests, stick to your guns and explain how it makes you feel when she does that. Then give her a chance to go on a sexy outing. If she repeats the same behavior return to the Betty Crocker like outings.
Yours,
Elyse

Ghosts of relationships past

Dear Elyse,
I went on a date with a guy. I'm in a vulnerable situation as I've gotten out of a painful, long-term relationship. The date started to heat up and then I realized that I felt absolutely nothing. I went along with it half heartedly and found that I was finally able to be turned on when I started to think of my ex and a former crush. I made ups lame excuse to get out of it. Now, I'm afraid to date again. What do I do when this happens again?
Yours,
Haunted by ghosts of dating past

Dear Haunted by ghosts of dating past,
You sound like you are uber- stressed out about this occurrence. As long as you didn't yell out your ex's name during the episode, I don't think you have done anything patently heinous. It is very normal to have a grieving period after a relationship comes to an end. If you still harbor some feelings for you ex, it is normal to think of your ex during carnal relations . And who doesn't- you did once love him, right? I suggest that anytime you find yourself in this predicament, you imagine the most appalling qualities of your ex and any images of him will quickly disappear. However, I also caution you to wait to date. As unthinkable as this sounds, there are other activities on earth besides dating like joining clubs , playing sports, and growing existing platonic friendships. As long as you don't spend all of your free time in a sugar-induced coma watching television, you will grow and gradually become more ready. When you intuition tells you that you are ready go for it. And remember if after one date you still find yourself in the same situation, just remember, its ok at any time to end the date, just tell the suitor you need to slow things down. That's it. Finale!

Yours,
Elyse